WASHINGTON- Ted Cruz and his untrained, human daughters held a press conference today to announce that his presidential campaign has been controlled from the start by his elementary school aged children.
In the wake of a disgusting, unimaginable, and tasteless political cartoon showing Mr. Cruz controlling his daughters as trained monkeys, the Cruz kids felt it was necessary to clear the air.
Older sister Caroline started by saying, "I think we can now say what's been whispered for a long time. I've been running Daddy's campaign finance committee with an iron fist. Nothing gets done without my approval. Not a dime gets spent without my cursive signature in pretty pink or sometimes purple crayon."
Younger sister Catherine continued, "Look, I've been in politics my entire life. Daddy and I have had some serious disagreements on foreign policy and entitlements programs over the years. Fortunately, he's come around to my point of view on most issues. The voting public needs to know that I've been the media chairchild of Daddy's campaign since I was 3 years old."
Both Cruz kids have reportedly been offered similar campaign positions by other GOP candidates. Rumors of offers for cabinet-level posts in the inevitable Republican White House have also surfaced.
The Cruz daughters also announced their super PAC would be creating a series of ads attacking Democrats. The ads will be narrated by the girls and will include "candy, puppies, and hard truths about the evils of socialism and defense budget cuts." They both plan to spend their summer vacation taking a more active role in fund raising and making media appearances.
Mr. Cruz then repeated his demand that his children should be off-limits to the Liberal Media.