Cenk Uygur: Extraordinary, Unprecedented Anti-Corporation Rant (2/2)

Written by TM_Dealer

Tuesday, 23 June 2015


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

The epic continues.

Well hey... listen up. I'm gonna make you a deal. I'm not gonna tell you, you can't have that burger.

I mean, hey... this is America, it's a free country!

Well, technically it's not, but you know what I mean...

Well, every time you eat a burger, just remember that the people...

Sorry, the evil, unaccountable, impersonal, soulless corporations who eat burgers are feeding you THIS...

Hah! You see? Well, when was the last time the stupid IDIOT flipping burgers at Wimpy's gave you an hour-long lecture on what the hell they are putting into this crap?

And how many book-length disclaimers accompany the misleading short, snappy and misleadingly-phrased ads you see for these burgers?

I sure haven't seen any, but maybe if YOU have, you'll let me know. I'm not holding my breath.

By the way, I was just checking Wikipedia this morning (no, I swear this is not just some bullshit rhetorical device of an imagined scenario, in order to lull you into a false sense of homeland... um, "homely," security)...

Well, I just looked at the articles. No info. So...

Do you really think this is a coincidence? I mean, either this is just some purely coincidental and random event whereby the Wikipedia articles on burgers and burger companies, for no apparent discernible reason whatsoever, don't tell us us in excruciating, multi-volume detail, how terrible these crazy food entities are...


Or else the corporations are bribing their fellow corporations, and we're supposed to believe that it's not the case!

And that the people editing Wikipedia somehow made some kind informed, rational, and incredibly guileless and innocent choice not to put this stuff in!

"Oh, nooo, ooo, it's not us, Cenk! Just a SHEER COIIIINCIDEEENCE! Tell all the folks out there we're ACTUALLY not cynically colluding with Big Hamburgerism!"

Tough one, isn't it? I've no idea.

Do you? I'll leave that one with you.

Well, I think I know the answer, and you know what?

I guess you probably do too.

So, I'm gonna make you a deal. Right?

Yeah: if you've enough money, sue their asses for misinforming you.

Yup! Get a good consumer ambulance-chaser.

Yeah.... you know, a judge once pointed out in a lawsuit for a certain "notable fast food outlet" that their stuff:

"Posed mortal perils to social health that are not commonly known to the average illiterate and non-college educated, Fox News watching US citizen, of which the vast majority of our ignorant, bigoted and benighted nation is composed."

Now, I wonder why that is? So you think corporations are people?

Well, what kind of a soulless, morally bankrupt, irredeemably corrupt "PERSON" would leave their customers" (sorry, innocent, ignorant, unwitting victims) ignorant of these little-known facts?

Oh, that's right. "Self-interest."

Yeaaahhh... That's your answer to everything. You don't care about Our Kids, you're not bothered about Society, you're indifferent to The Public Welfare of our citizens, and as for the The Greater Good.... well, that doesn't ever register, right?

Nah! All you care about is... egotism.

Yeah, that's right.

You call it "individualism." But you know what? Yeah, that's right...

The Little Guy doesn't agree with you.

Yeah. You've ever talked to The Little Guy? You ever even wondered who he is? You ever asked him?

No. Thought not. Because you don't care.

Simple as that. You just don't care at all.

Well, listen up! WAKE UP! All because of your BIGOTED, FUNDAMENTALIST, FREE MARKET IDEOLOGY, billions of US citizens are starving every week!!!

500 million people a month losing jobs because of Romneycare?

Well, that's nothing. That doesn't even register on my scale, I'm telling you now.

By the way, did you know that McDonald's once lost a lawsuit for sneakily hiding the fact that if you don't take care with their hot coffees...


I mean, have you ever been scalded?

Well, I'm telling you now, if you haven't been, it's a utterly horrendously traumatic experience.

You can't even imagine. Utterly soul-destroying.

Devastating. Worse than absolutely anything you can imagine; worse than your very worstest of worst nightmares... I should know.

Yes, that's right! I mean, I once saw a photo of someone who had an entire quarter cup green tea spilled on their wrist.

Well... I never knew someone's skin could look so red and inflamed.

Well, do you think this kind of terrible tragedy only

happens in China? Green tea, huh?

No, I'm afraid not.

Well, NOOO, I am AFRAIIID NOOOT, my friend!

Well yeah...

Think again. It could happen to any one of you...

At least if these sleazy, morally bankrupt corporations have their way. That's one thing for sure.

Now, I swear... look, you're gonna say:

"This is just Cenk being Cenk, he's full of his youthful ire and righteous indignation... he means well, but he's not really getting it."

NO! NO! Listen, listen, listen...

Yeah, you're gonna talk back to me, you at least need to know the facts, right?

Yeah! Now listen up. I've spoken with The Little Guy. I know precisely what he thinks...

That's right, he's my best buddy. Hell, I practically am the little guy.

I mean, let me put it this way...

We're all the little guy.

But guess what?



Got it? You're not John Galt. You're not George Washington. You're not even Dinah Washington.

Nope! Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, not gonna play with you. That dog ain't gonna run.

Anyway, I'm sick of this. You guys...

Yeah, so corrupt, you're pissing me off. I just don't to have to reason with you any longer.

I mean, thousands of online web videos, and ABC still haven't given me a five hour daily slot.

Well, hey! Hugo Chavez, anyone?

Nah! That's right! You people have no loyalty. Not a shred.

Yeah, for sure! Not ONE of you have petitioned a SINGLE major media station to host me.

You know what, you're just despicable!

And you know what else? Those damn corrupt can do whatever they want to you.

Yup! Just about done with this shit. No skin off my nose, huh?


Psst. BY THE WAY, ABC have shares in McDonalds...

But then again, that's entirely irrelevant to everything we've just discussed.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more