Washington, DC - Disgraced NAACP leader, Rachel Dolezal, who was fired last month for being a secret whitey, didn't take long to get her life heading in a newish direction. It turns out that she quickly found an equally-minded friend in John Boehner, leader of the Congressional Republican Party, and also, apparently a white man!
The two, who first met in a D.C. hip-hop class, and bonded over their mutually failed gangster-rap careers, have agreed to invest in a joint venture, opening up a high end chain of tanning salons, called Fade To Black, (which somehow didn't seem at all offense to either parties.) The first, in what they hope will be a nationwide chain of salons, is set to open next week, in the slam-dunk tanning capitol of the world - New Jersey.
Fade To Black, will feature the industry's best in tanning salon equipment, where customers will be fed through a brand new machine, which resembles the bagel toaster at Starbuck's. The conveyor belt system was designed especially with Dolezal and Boehner in mind, by non other than James Dyson, the vacuum guy, who possesses an amazing knack for quickly making things work better - and in this case, darker.
"These new Dyson 5000 machines are absolutely amazing!" told Dolezal, after popping out of the other end of the machine like a perfectly toasted breakfasty treat. "Faster, darker - and way more of an authentically deep skin tone than I ever got at my old salon, Shadies! I only wish I had one of these babies a few months ago," added a smoking Dolezal. "An MRI even shows that it's turning my bone marrow black! My new business partner and I are both over-the-moon about this new venture!"
Boehner was unable to be reached for comment, but sources close to the orangey-colored Right Wing Leader say that the Speaker of the House only wishes he could also turn the clock back. Yes, apparently, he'd turn his dial back to 2008, and become America's first black President! Fellow House Republicans also said that Boehner can often be found in his office at the Capitol, weeping inconsolably, just thinking about the missed opportunity.