AUSTIN (Kitteh Network News) After a weekend full of harsh criticism on the internet for advising state employees to ignore the Supreme Court ruling in favor of marriage equality, Governor Greg Abbott and Attorney General Ken Paxton wasted no time in formulating a swift and severe response. In a press conference called late yesterday afternoon, the Governor announced that he was reconvening the legislature for an emergency session. The state's top lawyer then explained that the purpose of the session was to pass a new law making blaspheme illegal and automatically punishable by death. The proposed legislation is titled: "An act to protect religious freedom and avoid pissing off God."
Abbott explained: "What these internet heathens fail to understand is that when they criticize me or Ken Paxton, they are criticizing the Almighty. As Governor of the Holy State of Texas, it is my job to protect its Christian Republican citizens from the wrath of God. If we allow those blasphemous heathens to freely express their thoughts, there's no telling how an angry God would punish the state. He might even make Texas suffer through several years of severe drought, followed by a spring full of torrential rain and flooding. And certainly, locusts, and epidemic disease is likely.
Kitteh News Network spoke with the Attorney General who told us that the new law would authorize officers with the Department of Public Safety to interrogate citizens on every traffic stop or random pull over. Citizens would be asked, "Is Greg Abbott's Lord and Savior also your Lord and Savior?" Anyone who said no would be forced to kneel on the shoulder and receive a single bullet to the back of the head.
Paxton also noted that ungodly vehicles would be subject to the state's asset forfeiture laws and sold at auction. The proceeds would be split evenly between three Texas mega-church pastors, John Hagee, Rick Scarborough, and Joel Osteen.
Upon hearing of the special session and new laws, Dan Patrick experienced a spontaneous orgasm and exclaimed, "Praise Jesus! This is exactly what Christian Republicans wanted when they elected me to the Lt. Governor ministry!" He continued to talk for 15 minutes but the KNN reporter was unable to understand anything he said because he was speaking in tongues.