Chawlstun, South Carolina - Finally, change is a' brewin' in South Carolina this week, in the wake of the tragic slayings which left nine black church-goers dead at the hands of a young white supremacist. Now, feeling the heat for arguably being the most racist place in America, the backwards southern state has decided to finally think about taking down their confederate flags, which have waved proudly in front of their state capitol buildings since the early '60's, as a giant 'fuck you!' to those damn Union bastards up in Washington, DC, after they went and voted that black kids get go to school along side white kids.
But in a move no one saw coming, South Carolinian officials have also decided to take down all of the nooses hanging from the magnolias in their state parks too. "It was time," said the embarrassed governor on the capitol steps, speaking in front of a hostile crowd. "Hardly anyone ever uses them anymore. They scare all the children - especially the little black ones. And besides that, the maintenance and upkeep of the old traditional symbols is costing our underfunded state a small fortune. "I say we take them down and put them in a museum, so the robot people of the future can see how fucked-up we truly were! And all the folks who likes them nooses (approximately 67% of the population) can have a place to go a visit them. Maybe have a prayer service on Sundays in front of the display case or something. Whatever you want. Oh wait... we don't have the money for any museums. Shit! Ok, plan B: we'll sell the nooses on E Bay to the highest bigoted bidder."
This seemed to rev up the Bud Lite swilling crowd. "...And with the money from the E Bay nooses, we'll buy the frickin' General Lee, from the the hit TV show, The Dukes of Hazard!" someone called out.
"Yeah, and we'll park her on the front lawn of the state capitol!" cried out another armed and mulleted man, loading his musket, while listening to the governor's speech.
"No, for God's sake, we are not buying the goddamn General Lee from the hit TV show, The Dukes of Hazard," said the fidgety Governor once more. "Besides, we already asked pro golfer, Bubba Watson, if he was willing to sell it... again... just last week. And he flat out refused our last offer, two grand cash, and told us to quit calling him. So that's that, ok? ... Don't shoot! Put down your muskets."
The governor then ran from the stage behind a wall of black bodyguards.
It seems that the 1980's hit TV show, The Dukes of Hazard, is South Carolina's most revered and popular program. Apparently, there is an entire channel devoted to them Duke boys, where it runs on a constant, car-jumping loop.
Double-Breaking Update - the town of Lynchburg, SC, will also be renamed Smileyville.