Brian Williams plans comeback strategy

Funny story written by Gee Pee

Monday, 18 May 2015


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Brian Williams will sign off with the phrase, "Been there, done that."

While it remains unclear as to whether NBC will allow Brian Williams to reclaim his anchor chair on its prime-time NBC News with Brian Williams program (now called NBC News without Brian Williams), the disgraced reporter has reportedly begun to craft a "reentry plan."

He hopes to use humor to win the hearts, if not the minds, of the network news program's remaining twenty-three loyal viewers. His scheme? Imagine that Internet memes' captions, which poke fun of his penchant for prevarication instead of reporting, are headlines and deliver "news" about the exaggerated claims they make concerning various current and past events.

"Look," one of the memes has Williams declare, "I survived being a hostage in Iran for over 500 days. I can handle a six-month suspension from NBC News." His story concerning this outrageous claim, he said, will explain the "misery and deprivations I suffered as a prisoner of a diverse gang of terrorists including Al Qaeda, the Taliban, ISIS, Hezbollah, Hamas, and Ebola; how I was forced to behead a Jewish rabbi's penis; and how I was stripped and beaten by Arabs for not being manly enough to grow a full beard." Then, he added, "I will talk about how working for a woman, Deborah Turness, and a wealthy, privileged white man, Stephen P. Burke, was far worse than being held hostage by terrorists, and, yet, through the exercise of my superhuman willpower, I managed to survive even these affronts."

He will offer a "tongue-in-cheek" film review of a 1954 motion picture, under the headline, stolen, once again, from an Internet meme making fun of his lack of journalistic integrity: "I'll never forget November 3, 1954. I was visiting friends in Tokyo and nearly died during Godzilla's first attack."

He will claim, in another tall tale disguised as "hard news," that he, not Christopher Columbus, discovered the new world. This story, he says, was inspired by "another inspirational meme," which reads, "You see, at first I thought I was in India, but then I realized it was an entirely different continent, and I named it 'North America.'"

His comeback will be introduced with Photoshopped images of him inserted into various historical events, such as Abraham Lincoln's meeting with Union generals in the field during the Civil War, Noah's ark coming o rest atop Mount Ararat, Moses' delivering the Ten Commandments to the ancient Hebrews, Hitler's last days--and wild nights--with Eva Braun inside the bunker in which Der Fuhrer was killed by Russian troops, and his guiding astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin on a tour of the moon upon their landing there on July 20, 1969.

If there's enough time, he may also show a clip of his washing Jesus Christ's feet prior to His crucifixion.

"After a comeback like that," Williams predicted, NBC will have to take me back."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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