Lawyers sue Brian Williams for 'lying without a license'

Funny story written by Michael Balton

Tuesday, 17 February 2015

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The legal profession uses specialized tools like this one to bash the truth.

New York -- Suspended NBC news anchor Brian Williams is in trouble with the American Bar Association. The lawyers group has filed suit in Federal District Court here, charging that Williams is "cutting into our territory by lying, fibbing, and generally making it up as he goes along."

The legal action demands $9 billion for "professional reparations and to soothe hurt feelings."

"Of course, that number is an exaggeration," said ABA President Howard Crenshaw. "But it shows you how important lying is to our profession."

"Telling an occasional little white lie is one thing," Crenshaw continued. "But Brian Williams has gone significantly beyond that, fabricating a reality of his own and imposing it on the world. That's our job, and we're not going to allow some amateur to ruin the good thing we've got going here."

Williams was caught lying about a military excursion that he did or didn't experience in the Middle East. But the ABA says his falsification of the facts goes way beyond a single incident.

"We put a crack team of lawyers/liars on his case," said Crenshaw. "They found that 20% of what he says is false, 17% is BS, and 14% is pure baloney. That doesn't leave much room for the truth."

Crenshaw expressed amazement that someone without any legal training could become such an expert liar. "That's why we have to sue him. Make an example of him. You can't have someone stretching the truth just for the hell of it, when we attorneys are knocking our brains out trying to turn lies into money."

Asked to name some of his profession's biggest whoppers, the ABA president rattled off a long list that ranged from phantom weapons of mass destruction to bankers who make 2+2 = fraud. "In short, we make the lies that make the world go around. And no pretty boy TV news reader is going to horn in on our action. Case closed."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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