Brian Williams: "I've decided to become a fiction writer"

Written by Samuel Vargo

Wednesday, 11 February 2015

image for Brian Williams: "I've decided to become a fiction writer"
Brian Williams has decided to become a fiction writer. His editor read Williams' first manuscript in shock.

NBC anchor Brian Williams, with all his credibility as a high-profile journalist apparently shot to hell, has decided that with his very creative imagination, that his next career stop is to become a fiction writer, according to an NBC assistant-to-the-publicist.

Yes, there may be life-after-primetime-news mummification. And Williams has even gotten an offer to star in a war movie as a staff-sergeant Army Ranger. The film is tentatively slated as having the title Hambone, said this assistant-to-the-NBC-publicist Edward Alfred Pough.

According to Howard Kurtz in the Internet magazine Fox News Politics : The atmosphere surrounding Brian Williams has turned so toxic that it's not clear when - or even if - he'll be able to return to the anchor chair.

The original plan - Williams apologizes, takes himself off the air for a few days, schmoozes with Letterman, and slides back into his job - has crumbled. The apology was weak and inaccurate, too fleeting to heal the wound over telling a lie about his chopper in Iraq having been hit by a rocket-propelled grenade, according to Fox News Politics.

NBC News has a lot at stake in deciding whether to keep Williams or let him go. NBC decided that for now, a six-month furlough without pay will be sufficient. For all matters of appraisal, Brian Williams is NBC News and to a large degree, his success and his popularity as as an anchor has made NBC News the most watched of all nighttime primetime news networks.

But Rasmussen Reports said the spiel Williams seemed to boast about, when he was aboard a military helicopter that was shot at, and hit, by enemy fire not only with a machine gun fusillade, but also by some kind of a missile, has 40% of the American public saying, "Brian, it's hasta la vista, baby."

On an up note, 35 perenct of Americans disagree with NBC giving Boasting Brian the heave-ho and Rasmussen's poll indicates that 43% of Americans still have a favorable opinion of Williams. However, because of all the alleged lies and mistruths Williams is believed to have spun like plotlines from a Southern Gothic novel - most notably, some real Paul Bunyan tall-tales about his days covering the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina - 40% of Americans say they will be less likely to believe what Williams reports, if he's put back into the anchor chair.

"I just got through reading his first novel," said Guy "Diggy" Moeposant, Williams' editor at Willingsworth Publishing, an imprint of Shark's Teeth & Laughing Hyena Press. "It's compelling but rambles a bit. Although there's a plotline, for some reason, Brian Williams keeps putting himself into the work. He really has no business being in there. Whenever the protagonist, a Marine General fighting a war on the island of Tasmania, does something really heroic, like save an entire village from being blown to smithereens, who saves the day? Not Marine General Hardy Handratty. No. It's Brian Williams. He's a regular superhero."

"Dealing with celebrity authors is such a pain," Moeposant said. "They're real drama divas. Why, oh why, didn't I get John Grisham, James Patterson or Stephen King? They're real writers and they bring in the bucks. Why Brian Williams?"

Moeposant said he will kick back the manuscript to Williams "hard and with venom" and he'll be asking for a total rewrite of Hardy Handratty (and Brian Williams) Save the Island of Tasmania from Genghis Khan and Hannibal Lecter.

"And I don't like the title either," Moeposant snorted. "It's too long. It's too stupid. I'm going to insist that Brian retitle this thing Fifty Shades of Hay."

According to Politico : NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams has been suspended for six months without pay following his false claims about an experience he had during the Iraq war, NBC News president Deborah Turness announced Tuesday night ). (Feb. 10, 2015)

Politico continues: "We have decided today to suspend Brian Williams as Managing Editor and Anchor of NBC Nightly News for six months. The suspension will be without pay and is effective immediately," Turness wrote in a memo to staff. "We let Brian know of our decision earlier today. Lester Holt will continue to substitute Anchor the NBC Nightly News."

In addition to Williams' false claims about Iraq, Turness said she the Comcast/NBCUniversal brass had "concerns about comments that occurred outside NBC News while Brian was talking about his experiences in the field." - reports Politico.

And the war movie that the furloughed anchorman may be the star of, what's it all about? Well, the main character of the film, a guy only known at Hambone, saves the entire world from a legion of armies of the 16-Confederate-Nations. These nations include the USA, the former Soviet Union, all of Europe, and the Caribbean island of Haiti.

Hambone is fired at by supersonic jets as he scales the Matterhorn, holding an icepick in between his teeth. He is fired upon by the Russian Navy in Antarctica while he scales the frigid gigantic Vinson Massif. And he crosses the Serengeti in Africa after a pride of lions adopts him as a "cub" and together with the lions, Hambone fights off the Haitian Marine Corps.

"Of course, these are just the boring parts of the movie. You'll have to see the actual film yourself for the super-duper spectacular scenes," said Yippie-Kai-Yai-Yeah Pictures Producer Stanley Simowitz.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

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