Woman Locates Missing Socks

Funny story written by Jackson Hoff

Thursday, 23 April 2015


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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(Frackville, PA) Shelley Hoax, 74 and a life-long resident of Frackville, PA, unexpectedly discovered "every damn sock" that she believed she had misplaced for the past 50 years. She came across the find Saturday morning completely by surprise.

"Ain't that always the way? You lose something and you look and search every-fucking-where, fretting and fuming and -- nothing," said Mrs. Hoax. "Then when you're not even looking for them -bang- there they are. If my husband were still alive, he'd probably have a heart attack, or a stroke. Too bad he weren't around for this one."

If what she found wasn't strange enough, Mrs. Hoax's version of how she found them is even more bizarre. She alleges that as she was dusting on Saturday morning, she heard a tiny giggle coming from behind the old tv-record player combo in her bedroom. She paid little attention and continued. Moments later, she heard a sneeze, which was a little harder to ignore. "First, I hears this laugh-like sound and I didn't think much of it. Then there's this sneezing sound, and it reminded me of my Henry's sneeze. I never heard Henry giggle or laugh, so I can't speak on that. I can say that I was getting the heebee-jeebees".

She told this reporter that her curiosity forced her to investigate. She pushed the unit away from the wall and immediately heard a quick gasp. "It was like I surprised someone, except the voice was so small... I just couldn't figure it." Then she said she looked down toward the base of the wall and saw a hole. She bent down to take a peek and as she did she heard a chorus of laughter and more giggles emitting from the opening.

"All of a sudden, all these cartoon-mice come marching out through this goddamn hole, all smiling and tipping their little mouse-hats at me, and some silly cartoon music was coming from somewhere. I don't know where. There had to be like 6 or 7 of them. They was all wearing those hats and some vests.

"One mouse was real tall and skinny, there was another that was all short and kind of fat... Everything got crazy then. They were all marching back and forth. Then one of them... the fat one... gave me a drink.

"I got really dizzy then and the next thing I know, I'm talking to these mice and I can understand what they're saying. I'm on the other side of that hole I was talking about. I'm inside the fucking wall of my own bedroom surrounded by these cartoon rats.

"I mentioned something about Walt Disney and they all really laughed. I was getting a little tired of all that laughing. Next thing I know, one of them pulls back a curtain and there in front of me are hundreds and hundreds of socks. Not a one matched any other, I was sure of that. I remember saying something like 'Holy shit them is all my socks!'

"One of them had a disfigured face. He had a patch over one eye... he told me that after they finished making Cinderella, they were out on the street. Disney wanted nothing more to do with them. Patchy -- I call him Patchy-- told me that 'W.D.' was a real dick and told us he'd make sure that we'd never work in show biz again, just because he knew he could.

"Long story short, we were passing through Frackville on our way up to Ashland and stopped at your place for the night. We really liked it here and decided to stay. We survived pretty well. We were eating your food, drinking your water and Henry's beer. We even found a way to open the refrigerator door that involved using our tails and well, anyway here we are all these many years later."

asked him about the socks.

"And what about all my socks?" One of the others said that there was no special reason for taking the socks. "We were just fucking with your head, is all. The faces you made and the words you used every time another sock disappeared... we just couldn't stop, you were such a riot!"

Another drink and moments later, Mrs. Hoax awoke back on her side of the wall. The hole was gone. Knowing that no one would believe her story, she brought two men in from her church and asked them to chop through the wall. Inside were the socks exactly as she had described above. Her cartoon mice were gone

Upon further investigation by local authorities, also found were animated hats, matching vests and an eye-patch.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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