Many top news satirists have suddenly found themselves in over their heads in a lawsuit filed by the behemoth Disney Corporation. It seems that many satirists, including yours truly, last month published an article exposing the top secret plot outline for the new Star Wars movie, the first in an alleged trilogy of the famous Sci Fi series (see 'SCOOP- Script To New Disney Star Wars Movie Leaked' from Dec. 22, 2014 in the Magazine section). Disney is claiming that this fearless journo hacked into their computer bases stealing the script and other valuable data.
The ill-timed article gave away a lot of the elements of the story that Disney was trying so hard to keep secret. The killing off of all the major characters from the first series was a major surprise, especially after the great effort put into getting them to reprise their roles (Sorry about that spoiler.). Also revealed is the fact that Darth Vader was a screaming gay transvestite and that Hans Solo later ran the Millennium Falcon as an intergalactic bordello starring Princess Leia and numerous Wookies and Ewoks was also a shocker.
The ruthless hacking, perhaps an intentional copycat of the Sony hacking over the movie The Interview, has also resulted in the releasing of a lot of Disney files and executive emails. Shocking photos of Mickey and Minnie Mouse play acting sex acts from the Kama-Sutra, of Goofy's and Pluto's hidden 'relationship', and of Walt Disney's hidden employee opium den beneath Magic Mountain have been circulating on social media.
Embarrassing emails have surfaced over some of the stars in the film. One addressed to the Disney talent scout complains of "...Donald Duck's incomprehensible speaking ability. We should sneak an offer over to Daffy Duck at Warner Brothers and try to bring him over to our payroll....". Another set of emails seem to suggest the possibility of a money laundering Disney "puppy mill" selling units of 101 dalmatians. Some rumored that The Beast from Beauty and the Beast was really a stunted Wookie.
An anonymous email was also sent to Scrooge McDuck suggesting that if he didn't part with a cool $2 million "tail and other feathers of his might find their way into an L.L. Bean winter jacket". Slutty photos of former Mouseketeer Brittany Spears have also been outed, but that is nothing new.
The severity of the hacking has brought the FBI into the picture. Disney pulled some strings to bring them on the scene and has raised the severity quotient of the situation. Disney's entire image and alleged character are at stake here.
I write this article from my jail cell following a long period of interrogation. Water-boarding techniques have so far not resulted in any firm information. I hear reports that Dick Cheney himself has insisted that they "Try harder!"
There is a strong suspicion that I had others helping me in his devious hacking. Other suspects being sought are other writers going by various monikers. Many of my colleagues have been put under surveillance. Scotland Yard has been enthusiastic about helping out with this problem. Anyone knowing of their whereabouts should contact the FBI or Interpol. Or waterboard them yourselves if you have the time and the inclination.