ATLANTA, GA--The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) today issued a Level 3 warning against a new, potentially contagious virus. It is calling FNV, or the FOX News Virus. The FNV, explained Dr. Samuel Grimes of the CDC, is highly communicable, especially to elderly white people who sit in front of their TVs watching FOX News for six or more hours a day.
Symptoms of the FOX News Virus, explained Dr. Sandra Epstein-Barr, who has been conducting research on it, include inexplicable fits of yelling at the television set every time Barack Obama appears on the screen; a general diminution of knowledge, especially in the fields of evolutionary biology, climatology, and reproductive health and related issues; and a tendency to foam at the mouth at the utterance of the words "Nancy Pelosi," "Joe Biden," and "The Washington Post".
Symptoms also include a dazed appearance, which in some elderly viewers may appear almost comatose, especially when the viewer is watching Justice with Judge Jeanine, Hannity, or Fox and Friends. However, symptoms may vary, depending on the patient. In fact, Dr. Epstein-Barr reports that, in one case, an elderly patient who had been watching Hannity went from a near comatose state to foaming at the mouth. The patient then began barking, and attempted to bite one of his caretakers. The unnamed patient eventually had to be euthanized by a death panel, or so his relatives, who also watch FOX News, allege.
Given the Level 3 warning on the FNV, the CDC urges all viewers of television over the age of 65 to avoid all nonessential TV viewing --or, in short, to avoid watching FOX News altogether. If someone is found to have contracted FNV, the CDC recommends the person so afflicted inject disinfectant into their body, or aim an ultraviolet lamp at their ass and, if either of those methods don’t work, to hope for a miracle.