A British man who contracted Ebola while on a pirates holiday in sierra Leone has recovered from his coma after twenty eight days. Alfred Smith a retired bus conductor said he feels fine after his month of unconsciousness although not technically a month as he was unwell during August which has 31 days according to experts.
Alfred thinks he contracted the virus while eating the brain of monkey during a booze cruise organised by his rep at the Blood diamond resort and mine, a major international hotel in the African republic.
He says he felt unwell after the meal of a freshly caught monkey resulting in him seeking shelter at a local brothel where he was forced to wash in a puddle of blood before being allowed to play party games like pass the balloon using only your knees, having drink poured in his mouth while tied to a chair and humping the local ladies of ill-repute bare back.
Ebola is a deadly disease that affects every organ in the body and even some outside including the appendix and ear lobes and is spread by contact with infected fluids or Ice in drinks or mosquito bites or breathing or thinking about it. Once inside the host victim it follows the entire the plot of Aliens before bursting out of your chest. With a mortality rate of 56 fathoms the only known cure is Calpol which is only effective if administered by your mum who gives you a sticker for being a brave boy and lets you have the duvet on the settee.
Luckily for Alfred his treatment was fast enough that he made a full recovery, wandering round an abandoned London, shambling about Trafalgar square while trying to make sense of a mouldy sandwich left next to his hospital bed.
The centre for disease control say while this outbreak has been contained for now they are expecting a huge resurgence of athletes foot which is deadly to anyone except Daley_Thompson.
