Global warming and the Krauthammer blues in Club #Rigor Mortis

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Monday, 12 May 2014

image for Global warming and the Krauthammer blues in Club #Rigor Mortis
Image courtesy of big screen at Club #Rigor Mortis

I ran into Charles Krauthammer at Club #Rigor Mortis not long after he appeared as a FOX News All Star with George Will debunking everything climate change.

He was hunkered down at one end of a long shining bar with a small glass of something pink.

Back of the bar a mammoth screen flickered various images. Waves lashed beaches, palm trees bent sideways severely, were plucked violently out of the sand.

Out of the screen a corporate sort of voice said: "You want stiff we give you stiff with a whole new set of . . ."

"You're with CNN, right?"

This place certainly was dark and intense. Few females of the younger variety.

"No, wait a minute," he said. "Hillary Clinton?"

"I'm Pepe Warezabar. Independent. The Guard Dog."

"Hillary's new White House rep?"

Maybe he winked and chuckled as part of this. I was a little stiff in response, but not from the whiskey sour at my elbow.

"Global warming, Charles?"

"We've got to look at the bright side."

"I thought you and George Will were doing that on FOX news, Charles. Implying all this climate change stuff is mostly talk--"

"Now I'm talking about all that ice melt in the Arctic. The oil companies are having a much easier time finding out where the stuff is."

The big screen flickered to a new voice--"Try our new boilermaker--The Tsunami. Guaranteed to impale you . . . somewhere."

"But Charles, I mean. Rising seas, parts per million up--"

"Participles per million rising. That's what I call it. Nothing but talk! Show me some evidence!"

How could I say it: Google it, Charles. All those graphs?

"Just because we're trying to make a buck?"

The big screen gave a screech. Maybe he said: just because we're trying out our luck.

Overwhelming the screen came an image of that wave in the film A Perfect Storm with the little fishing boat nearly vertical on the face of a wave the size of The Empire State Building.

"You and George Will, Marco Rubio, Mitch McConnell. Similar views, Charles? That America is too deep in the tar sands to pull its head out, so to speak?"

There was a long green pause. I say green because that tint came into my whiskey sour glass right then.

He spoke quietly.

"I knew I'd seen you somewhere before. You're one of those wise guys, aren't you. These leftie smart asses all over the internet."

"Well, I did just finish the GGSR training--the Glenn Greenwald Spine-building for Reporters seminar?"

He stood up, reaching back to his drink. It had one last sip in it.

Last I saw him he was crossing in front of the big screen headed to the exit. Another wall of water had reared up accompanied by the soothing corporate voice: "The Tsunami is guaranteed to impale you . . . somewhere."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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