The Trafford South by-election was won last night by a cardboard cut out of a police officer that had previously been stood in the windows of a Pound Stretcher in Altrincham. The cardboard cut out is now the Conservative MP for Trafford South and has been moved to a seat in the Houses of Parliament.
"He stands for what the people of Trafford want," said David Cameron. "Rigidity, conformity, unbending and the very image of the law."
Cameron is keen to advance the newest member of the Conservative party up the ranks as quickly as possible given his landslide victory in the election.
"There is a place in my cabinet for an MP of his character," said Cameron. "We know that there is no scandal hiding in his closet, and he will never fiddle his expenses. Indeed, he has foregone any payment at all for being an MP."
The cardboard cut out has further made friends among the political elite and ordinary people by not requiring a second home in London, nor a first one in Trafford.
"In fact, the only expense he incurs, is in travelling costs to his constituents surgery and back," said Cameron. "It would be even cheaper, but the Post Office insist on calling him a large package."
When he's in London, the cardboard cut out is stood behind a door until needed, and when in his surgery in Trafford, his electorate have nothing but praise for him.
"He's bloody marvellous," said Edith Mainwaring, of Hale Barnes. "The previous bugger wouldn't shut up, I couldn't get a word in edgeways about me bins or the dog mess, this new one stands there and lets me get it all off me chest. I'd vote for him again."
Such is his popularity, that many pundits are tipping him as the next leader of the Conservatives.
"I think," said Ed Milliband, leader of the Belaboured Party, "that Cameron should watch out for his job, This cardboard cut out is proving very popular, and has the weight of the press behind him. And to be honest, I think he'd made an outstanding Prime Minister. Certainly, he's already done more for the Conservatives than Cameron's done in five years!"
David Cameron declined to comment on this aspect of the Cardboard cut out's meteoric rise, but was seen heading to parliament with a box of matches and a shredder.
