Written by Matt Birkenhauer

Saturday, 2 August 2014

image for Senate Passes Deportation Bill to Fast-Track Ted Cruz's Return to Canada

WASHINGTON-The Senate, before leaving on its month-long vacation on Thursday, passed a bill in the early morning hours to fast-track the deportation of Ted Cruz back to his native country of Canada.

The vote on the Bill, which was, as usual, expected to fall along party lines, passed by an overwhelming vote of 94 to 6.

The six who voted against the bill included members of the Tea Party Caucus. They were Jeff Flake, Jerry Moran, Patrick Toomey, Mike Lee, Michael Bennet, and, of course, Ted Cruz himself.

Interestingly, Rand Paul was not among those who opposed the Bill, titled the Deport That Asshole Back to Canada Bill.

Said Senator John McCain, who voted in favor of the Bill, "In my nearly three decades serving in the US Congress, I have never seen a man more petty, egoistic, dishonest, and mean-spirited than Ted Cruz. If I were inclined to believe in reincarnation, I'd swear his body is inhabited by the soul of Joe McCarthy. In short, he's an asshole."

Said Susan Collins, the Republican Senator from Maine, "Yep. He's an asshole." Added Senator John Cornyn, who sometimes votes with the Tea Party Caucus in Congress, "What she said." In fact, the Bill was so popular that Republican House member Peter King from New York asked if he could vote in favor of the Bill, too. He was, of course, turned down.

When Rand Paul, a Tea Party member who is expected to run for president in 2016, was asked why he voted for the Bill, he tersely replied, "No comment."

The Bill was then passed on to the House, where, as usual, its members sat around with their thumbs up their ass, fumigating about something or other.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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