Written by E. Williams

Saturday, 28 June 2014

San Francisco - The city council has approved spending tens of millions of dollars to construct a system of safety nets under the Golden Gate Bridge in an attempt to thwart future suicide attempts which have plagued the landmark for decades.

The news was met with jubilation by acrobats and daredevil enthusiasts from around the world who plan to migrate to the City by the Bay and turn the bridge into the world's biggest outdoor acrobatic training facility in the world.

"Uh, that's not why we're doing this," an unnamed city council member stated. "This is being done to save lives, not for the enjoyment of circus freaks and weekend warriors who want an adrenaline rush!"

Nevertheless, many performers are already booking their trip to San Francisco. Ringling Bros. and Barnum and Bailey Circus have already instructed their high-wire acts and dudes who get shot out of cannons to relocate to the city.

"How often does someone actually try to jump?" A performer asked. "The rest of the time it seems like such a waste for the giant nets to just sit there, going unused and killing innocent birds who get caught in them."

Already, three bungee jump companies have applied for permits to set up shop on the bridge. The adage 'If you build it, they will come' seems to be holding true in this case.

Hopefully, anyone contemplating ending it all will not want to go somewhere overrun with a bunch of clowns and The Flying Wallendas, decide to go home, and realize taking their own life is not the answer.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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