Washington D.C. - The criminal act of probing through a carton of ice cream to find and eat the good chunky pieces will become a felony on January 1, 2015. The crime is currently classified as a misdemeanor.
While the change covers every flavor and every good chunk in every carton size available to consumers, it would obviously have no application to any ice cream product that does not contain add-ins - items such as chocolate-covered cashews, ribbons of fudge or chocolate chips.
Said Congressman Robert Hartman, a Tea Party Republican from Wisconsin, "Every victim of this horrific crime knows the disappointment of opening a carton of ice cream and seeing those tell-tale fork tracks and the small pieces of plain ice cream flagrantly tossed aside. Picking out out the good chunks is simply unconscionable. The reclassification as a felony is absolutely the right thing to do, and it is long overdue."
The National Ice Cream Producers Association opposes the change. Selective probing for the good chunks in ice cream ultimately increases ice cream sales because consumers buy another carton for the purpose of getting their fair share of the good parts.
State Senator Amanda Wadsworth, also from Wisconsin, commented, "I'm not sure I see what the big deal is. I mean, my husband had plenty of opportunity to scoop... um... I mean, I believe any member of a household had their chance to get their share of those yummy, crunchy, dark chocolate covered pretzels...." Senator Wadsworth then became apparently mentally distracted and had no further comment.