Prospective 2016 GOP Candidates to Be Subject to a Science Test

Funny story written by Matt Birkenhauer

Saturday, 31 May 2014


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Nearly everyone remembers that moment in the May 2008 Republican debate in which the candidates were asked whether or not they believed in evolution, and three out of the ten participants raised their hands to indicate they didn't. In fact, as recently as January 2014, the Pew Research Center reported that "Significantly fewer Republicans believe in evolution than did so four years ago, setting them apart from Democrats and independents."

Reince Priebus, the national chairman of the Republican Party is, understandably, worried that the GOP, in light of recent statements made by some of its leading 2016 candidates about climate change, may be perceived as anti-science or "flat earthers," and is encouraging prospective candidates for the 2016 election cycle to pass a basic science test. Among the items on the test are the following:

1) The age of the universe is a) 4,000 years old b) 10,000 years old c) 13.8 billion years old d) Only God knows
2) The age of the planet earth is a) 4,000 years old b) 14,000 years old c) 4.54 billion years old d) Only God knows
3) The complexity of the human eye is proof that a) an Intelligent Designer named Yahweh designed everything in the universe b) the human eye evolved over millions of years in reaction to the complexities of its environment c) God is omnipotent and omniscient d) all of the above
4) Climate change, also known as global warming, is a) a hoax perpetrated by liberals who want to go green and bankrupt the United States b) the direct result of anthropogenic warming that has increased significantly since the Industrial Revolution c) a natural, cyclic phenomenon that has nothing to do with humans and is good for the earth d) none of the above
5) When women are raped a) they can be impregnated b) they can't be impregnated, because their bodies don't want to have a baby c) they are blessed with a gift from God d) they probably had it coming
6) Vaginal probes are a) currently exploring the solar system in search of intelligent life b) a device to be inserted into a woman's vagina to coerce her into rethinking her reproductive options c) proof that there is no intelligent life in the Republican Party d) all of the above

If a prospective candidate can get most of these questions right, Priebus is confident that the candidate can run for the presidency and still be perceived as having mastered enough science to be Commander in Chief of a complex, technological country with over 300 million citizens. If any other Republicans take the test and answer most of the questions wrong, Priebus is confident that those test takers are probably ready to vote in any Republican primary coming up in 2016.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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