Written by alaskamojo

Friday, 24 August 2012

image for Akin Truthtelling Mistake Exposes Risk of Actually Learning What Republican Party Stands For
RNC Chair Priebus praised the Party for recognizing airborne pterodactyl dinosaur messengers who served at the Alamo

U.S. Representative, Todd Akin (R-MO) remained under attack today from his Republican colleagues and Party officials for daring to say out loud what they all think. Earlier this week Akin was explaining to an interviewer why there should be no rape exception to an abortion ban as contained in the Republican Party platform every Presidential election for the past 32 years. He said pregnancy due to rape is "really rare" because "truly" raped women have a "mystique" about them that leaves the "rapist's juice emasculated and powerless" to function as sperm.

Except for Representative Steve King of Iowa, who said he had never heard of a woman being raped or even having sex, the furor from Akin's colleagues has been mind numbing. "This Party has worked tirelessly for many decades to keep Americans in the dark about actual Party positions. To have this douchebag Claude Akin, isn't he the singer? Anyway to have this guy throw it all away by opening his big mouth is anti American and ruining it for everyone," said Mitch McConnell today from his Senate office (R-KY).

Republican National Chairman, Reince Priebus, called on Akin to step down for the good of our positions best kept secret and "for the love of God, man, don't let on that the Party platform on evolution is that it is 'junk science' unlike the scientific method employed in the Bible's seven days of creation." Priebus went on: "Only the Republican Party contains platform planks copied from the intelligent design website 'As God is My Witness' that studied obscure Nostradamus readings to conclude scientifically that dinosaurs inhabited North America as recently as Columbus found them at Plymouth Rock and were the cause of the Indian massacres,.... Or that Exxon scientists, using a scientific method "kinda" have proved that the earth is actually 10 degrees cooler than 100 years ago because Americans are not sufficiently wasteful of fossil fuels as the Good Lord intended and Exxon would like."

The sagest advice of all came from an unlikely source. Rush Limbaugh lectured Republican candidates "to not under any circumstances answer the question why you are opposed to a rape exception clause in your anti abortion personhood bills. Just say 'rape is rape'." (Limbaugh speak to feeling human being translation: "You can only suck at defending something as nutty as espousing putting a woman through a second rape, that is, by making her carry a rapist's child to term, in addition to the first forcible rape by the rapist. No need to remind everyone that the nutty position is exactly what you have repeatedly advocated.")

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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