We Are the 0.99%: Rich Protest the Rich/Super-Rich Income Gap

Funny story written by T. J. Carter

Tuesday, 6 May 2014

LOS ANGELES-According to a new study from the Brookings Institution, the income gap between the rich and super-rich has reached its largest margin in a century. This revelation has sparked outrage among the (almost) richest people in the country.

The study found that the top .01% saw an income increase of 148% between 1992 and 2012, while the bottom .99% of the top 1% saw a dismal 146% increase. On average, the top .01% makes more in 11 months than the bottom .99% makes in a whole year.

"The billionaires have had it too good for too long," says local restaurant owner Richard Griggs. "They own basketball teams and stuff. I want to own a basketball team."

Multi-millionaires across the country have hired their maids, butlers, and other household staff to take to the streets in protest. These underpaid protesters can be seen holding professionally printed signs that say, "We are the .99%" and "How dare you make more than me?"

"The deck is stacked against us," says Griggs. "The Koch Brothers inherited their father's vast oil fortune, while I merely inherited my father's chain of Tex-Mex restaurants. Is that fair? Is that justice?"

So far, Griggs and other movement leaders have not voiced any specific demands for legislation, though many of the protestors have indicated that they're weary of protesting. Some have even begun picketing the protest.

"I have three hungry kids at home," says Maria Alvarez, a maid and protestor-for-hire. "But Mr. Griggs says he'll take away my weekends if I stop protesting."

"How about this: I'll call it good when I can afford a three-car garage for my yacht," says Griggs. "I still believe that if you're born privileged and are willing to exploit hard-working Americans, you can get even further ahead in this country. Call me old-fashioned."

The bottom .99% of the top 1% have hired people to speak for them; when will the top .01% hire someone to listen?

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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