Chelsea Goes GOP; Might Challenge Mom For Presidency

Funny story written by Cool Papa Bell

Monday, 21 April 2014

Former first daughter Chelsea Clinton has announced her intention to seek the Republican nomination for president in 2016, setting up a potential showdown with her mother Hillary, the heavy favorite among Democrats planning to run.

Chelsea, now a wife and expectant mother, said she has some serious issues with Democrats in general and her mother's policies specifically, which have prompted her to switch parties.

"I do not want my inheritance taxed to death so 'Hillarycare' can go into effect to help the fashion-challenged middle-aged woman in America," she said, referring to the former secretary of state's proposed Affordable Pantsuit Act.

Chelsea made the announcement as a guest at the grand opening of the George W. Bush Paint and Sip, Gulp and Chug Art Studio in Happy, Texas on Saturday.

Chelsea said her father, former President Bill Clinton, agreed with her decision.

"Dad said he figured he would have a lot more fun hanging around the White House if mom wasn't in charge," said Chelsea. "She hasn't forgotten their first go-round there. I'm pretty sure dad would have a curfew if mom were to be elected and become the most powerful rolling-pin-carrying wife in the free world."

This would mark the first time that a parent squared off against his or her child in a presidential election since 1960, when Republican Richard Nixon lost to his bastard son, Democrat John F. Kennedy. Historians have discovered Nixon -- whose listed date of birth would have made him only four years older than Kennedy -- lied about his age so no one would discover he fathered the future president during a drunken weekend of cricket at Hyannis Port in 1917.

Chelsea said she's not going to be overly critical of some of the Republican proposals which seem to show very little respect toward women.

"My dad cheated on my mom for years with a variety of circus performers, plastic surgery mutations and jail bait," she said. "Hard to throw stones."

Despite her father's indiscretions, Chelsea said she always seemed a little closer to him when she was a child.

"Even when he was governor (of Arkansas) and then president, dad was the one who baked cookies and brownies, taught me how to dress anatomically-correct female dolls and always spoke in person with my dance instructors -- for very long periods behind closed doors. Dad would let me watch 'Girls Gone Wild' with him, and it seemed he knew a lot of them," said Chelsea.

"Mom always made me watch 'Meet The Press' and features about Lorena Bobbitt with her. And she was always out dealing with stocks and investments and meeting with divorce attorneys and all that type of stuff," said Chelsea. "I guess that's where the pantsuit thing started."

Even with a possible challenge to her mother looming, Chelsea, who is married to Marc Mezvinsky and pregnant with their first child, said she still deeply loves and respects the former first lady.

"Regardless of gender, we are naming the child Hillary William Clinton Mezvinsky," she noted. "I know mom wants it that way very badly. Especially the Hillary part."

Pregnancy and motherhood would not impede her run for the White House.

"Dad will chauffeur me around to my doctor's appointments and eventually be our 'first babysitter,'" said Chelsea. "We don't want him to have a lot of free time to wander off. Not sure what he would do with those idle hands."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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