Scientists promise New Robotic Arm will make masturbation "incredible"

Written by Patrick Parkinson

Thursday, 13 March 2014


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Scientists in San Francisco have unveiled a new robotic arm at the 2014 Technology Spring Convention. The machine which has taken 8 years to make, is made of steel but wrapped in a case of plastics made to resemble human skin.

Head scientist Roger Evonaples has said "this skin will allow people to touch others and more importantly touch themselves. The subjects that have used the new arm have particularly given good feedback in regards to jerking off".

Numerous people missing their own limbs have already endorsed the arm when it comes to gratifying themselves. "At first I thought it be weird, like being given a happy ending by C-3PO." Said user Esteban O'Reilly (pictured in action) "but the fast speed of the robot arm and the vibrate setting on it made it the best whacking-off experience I've ever had."

Some have highlighted the anti-social aspects of the robot arm and the problems it might bring in the future. For instance, Shawn Wallis added "after my first session on it, I literally locked myself in my bedroom and went on a three-day whackathon! It was like being a randy teenager all over again. Me and wife haven't had sex since, there's no replacement for the arm."

"You haven't experience masturbation properly until you have used the robot arm" said co-inventor Vlad Powell. "People will be cutting off their own arms just to have an excuse to use this new invention." The arm will be on sale this Christmas and retail experts have already predicted it could the biggest hit of the holiday season.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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