Scientists Discover "Dumb-Ass Gene" Responsible For US' Problems

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Monday, 13 January 2014

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Americans are largely apathetic as their country slides into third world status. The infrastructure is ready to collapse, 1 in 5 kids struggle with hunger, 18 to 32 % are in poverty (it's definitional), 40% of the national budget goes for past, present, and future wars (including veteran's benefits), the education system is in shambles, the inner cities are war zones between cops and gangs, new jobs created by the economy are insufficient to employ millions out of work, climate change effects are turning farmlands into dry lands. and costal regions are threatened by intense hurricans and storms. The list goes on.

Social scientists have thought that distractions by entertainment media - particularly by sublimated war games llke football and caged fighting -TV watching averaging 7 hours a day for Americans, violent video games, texting/selfing/e-mailing/social media are to blame for America's lethargic inaction. That turns out to be part of the picture.

Too, most Americans are over-weight and many morbidly obese, primarily because fast food chains produce fare with high levels of fat and sugar - with hugely oversized servings - so, an ugly fat America has also gotten the blame for slothful indifference to politics and government policies which offer the only possible solutions to Americs problems. That also is part of the story of America's decline.

But it turns out, according to scientists at USC's Keck School of Medicine that what they call a "dumb ass" gene is now largely responsible for America's collective stupidity in confronting its various crises. All of the factors just mentioned still play a huge role in American's inanity in the face of impending catastrophe, but the "dumb ass gene" seems to make one completely attracted to unhealthy foods and activities that lower one's IQ, such as watching Fox News on TV.

"The dumb-ass gene which most of our citizens have is a mutation caused by the life-styles of recent generations of Americans," said Dr. Bertrand Russell a research scientist at the university school.

"Huge numbers of inactive unemployed, underemployed, strung-out drug users, TV reality show watchers inactive sports fans, sucrose-high cholesterol fatties and people- most Americans, who don't read and think-have caused us to pay a high genetic price. Their numbers have dramatically increased in the last four generations."
They've collectively created a gene, that, simply put, that makes one an anti-intellectual asshole- that is now part of the national DNA.

" It's inevitable that it will be passed from generation to generation. The gene pool is a disaster. It will only create more people like Tea Party Members that will destroy our country.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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