Anywhere U.S.A.---In an unprecendented scientific study conducted by a idiotic research team at Pace University, it was discovered that 88% of Americans spent the majority of their time off from work during the last week of December ignoring family members. As advances in technology continue to affect the ways we communicate, Americans directed all of their attention and energy toward their lovable smartphones.
"This should surprise nobody," said Burt Francis, Phd candidate in the Sociology department at Pace. "Even I am a statistic in the study. Do you honestly think I was going to help my starving daughter screaming for a bagel with cream cheese while in the middle of an exciting game of Candy Crush. Absolutely not!"
From Kalamazoo, Michigan to Belmar, New Jersey to some small town USA where incest and inbreeding is common, Americans cozied up to their smartphones next to their Christmas trees and Hanukkah menorahs like heroin addicts--enjoying games, various apps, and snapping photos while saying nothing to their loved ones.
Little Billy Joe Donaldson, a precocious 11-year old from Franklin, Missouri commented to Burt Francis. "My brothers and sisters are annoying as hell. My mom likes to drink a lot of wine during the holidays and my dad is too busy trying to clean out the damn garage. My smartphone is my best friend."
After the interview with Billy Joe, Burt Francis turned to his wife and was about to say," I weep for the future" but he got caught up watching some internet porn and forgot about it.
