F-35 Shoots Down Santa; U.S. Military Culture May Change

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Wednesday, 25 December 2013

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As reported in this space a few days ago, NORAD - who tracks the progress of Santa Claus -- almost killed the white-bearded jolly man. Santa, his sleigh and reindeer were on a trial run over the North Pole when they were mistaken for an incoming missile.

F-35 jets were scrambled to intercept the bogy. But the fighter plane, the one that has cost billions in overruns, has no cockpit visibility. and fatal design flaws missed Santa when it fired its weapons. So, Santa Claus escaped.

Last night, however, NORAD make the same mistake and, somehow, a F-35 shot and killed the old man as he was just entering the U.S. to give presents to millions of Americans. Particularly devastating is that the sleigh carried several million war video games to be distributed to America's waiting youth.

Pre teens and teenagers, who are impulsive and violent by nature, particularly enjoy slaughtering "bad guys" in such military-sponsored videos as "American Empire," " Iraqi Glorious Victory," and "Killing For Core Values."

Of course there is irony in celebrating the birth of Jesus in games that glorify war and violence. Christ, was one who advocated pacifism, non-violent resistance, reconciliation, and was - as The Prince of Peace - opposed to war with every fiber of his being,

As background, he U.S. has been involved in 22 significant military conflicts since W.W.II It spends more on weapons than all of the rest of the world combined. Like ancient Sparta, it glorifies the military, calls all of its warriors and mercenaries "heroes" and is marked by the "cult of the uniform."

The death of Santa Claus at the hands of the U.S. Military may change all of that.

12-year-old Jimmy Johnson of Piedmont, TX told local TV station KROC that he was incensed at not getting his " Iraqi Glorious Victory " game.

"I thought the military were on the side of kids, and here they go and kill Santa and Rudolph. I guess I've just been wrong. They want me to join the ROTC at my junior high but I'm going to tell them to screw off," Jimmy said.

in Harlem almost the exact same sentiment was expressed by 18-year-old black man Estus Rose. "Those recruiters come here trolling the poor neighborhoods for recruits. I'm ducking them, they won't find me," he exclaimed.

Mary Marlin of LA also expressed considerable anger. "It's one thing for the military to be killing people with drones at weddings in Yemen, but to shoot down Santa Claus . . .well that's different. It's really got me upset."

"I was proud to be in Korea serving our country," said Benny Beemer an 80-year-old from NY. "But I'm going to throw my medals away and tell my grandkids to stay out of wars."

President Obama, on vacation in Hawaii after his disastrous year in office, issued a statement condemning the "careless, stupid and inexcusable murder of Santa." He called for a full bi-partisan investigation of the incident.

"I'm sure they'll have all of the answers within the decade," said the President.

The Chair of The Joint Chiefs of Staff, Gen. Martin Dempsey ducked reporter's questions, as he appeared to be sneaking out of his Pentagon office. The same was true of War Department Secretary Chuck Hegel. Other administration officials had "no comment."

Whether the death of Santa will change America's Sparta-Like culture at this point is anyone's guess.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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