Yeezus One Step Closer To Becoming Jesus

Funny story written by Kevin Hawkins

Tuesday, 24 December 2013

American hip-hop artist Kanye West has given his fans a Christmas gift they will never forget, deciding to legally change his date of birth to 25 December 4BC.

West's groundbreaking age reclassification decision means he will not only share a birthday with religious figure Jesus Christ, but will become the world's oldest living person.

The controversial singer-songwriter was physically born on 8 June 1977, but a previously unexploited loophole in the American social security system has enabled him to make the change.

West shared the news with his 10 million Twitter followers on Christmas Eve.

"It's official, Yeezy's birthday is now 25 December 4BC just like my bro JC," West tweeted.

"I am a god. Yeah, I'm the one, baby." he added.

West's reclamation of the sacred Christian festival comes just months after the release of his sixth studio album "Yeezus", leading critics to infer that West believes he is the second coming.

Historians the world over have been quick to criticise West, expressing disapproval at the precedent his birthdate change will set.

Christian leaders have similarily blasted West, condemining the Chicago-born rapper for mocking Jesus.

In an op-ed for the Christian Science Monitor, Bible expert Bono labelled West's decision as "arrogant" and "sacrilegious".

"Kanye West may think he is a deity, but believe me - he still hasn't found what he is looking for," the U2 lead singer wrote.

West responded to Bono via several tweets, attacking the Irish artist before elaborating as to what his new birthdate and potential reverence means for humanity.

"Imma let you finish, but you ain't got the answers man. I am the number one most impactful (person) of this generation," West said.

"I believe there's a God above me, (but) I'm just the god of everything else," he clarified; "(I have decided to) form a new religion (with) no sins as long as there's permission and deception is the only felony".

West went on to claim that Jesus was in support of his legal alteration; "I just talked to Jesus. He said 'What up, Yeezus?'".

"I had a dream I could buy my way to heaven," he continued, further implying that divine inspiration is behind his unusual behaviour.

The "Gold Digger" singer concluded his Twitter comeback with a prayer, hinting that the words of his critics have hurt him.

"Now that that don't kill me can only make me stronger," West noted; "God show me the way because the Devil trying to break me down."

Despite West's insistence that his birthdate change is legitimate, this unprecedented case is likely to be brought to the United States Supreme Court in early 2014.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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