Written by Matt Birkenhauer

Wednesday, 18 September 2013

image for Wayne LaPierre: "Guns Don't Kill People. Crazy Fucks with Guns Kill People."
"Guns don't kill people. Crazy fucks with guns kill people!"

WASHINGTON, D.C.--Amid renewed talk of more stringent universal background checks after the latest school shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, Wayne LaPierre was seen walking around the capitol, with his pockets bursting with congressmen and women, quipping to a reporter: "Guns don't kill people. Crazy fucks with guns kill people!"

The reporter followed up with a question to the CEO and Executive Vice President of the NRA: "But Mr. LaPierre, shouldn't we make it harder for crazy fucks to get a hold of guns?"

But Mr. LaPierre just bent over and let out a full belly laugh as a couple of congressmen fell out of one of his front pockets. Mr. LaPierre kicked the congressmen aside as he hurried to his next appointment, which, the curious reporter who covertly followed him discovered, was a willing blow job from Paul Ryan from Wisconsin and Senator Mitch McConnell from Kentucky.

A long line of members of Congress from both parties were expected to service a smiling Mr. LaPierre in the capitol restroom on Wednesday.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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