Widespread Cooties Outbreak Among School Kids

Written by Moe Nightwalker

Sunday, 8 September 2013

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Doctors' Offices overwhelmed

Hundreds of US elementary schools and daycare centers are reporting outbreaks of the devastating childhood disease Moribus Puerilibus, or MP, as kids return from their summer break. Commonly known as "cooties", MP symptoms include uncontrollable screaming and running from children of the opposite gender.

Doctors and nurses blame the outbreak on parents refusing to allow their children to receive the MP vaccine. Many parents fear unknown side effects and behavioral problems. The cootie shot takes less than 5 seconds and causes no pain. Scientific studies in Canada have shown the vaccine to be safe and effective.

Anita Dose, nurse at the prestigious Northern Suburbs Status School For Overachievers, explains, "Most of the girls are experts at the vaccine. It's a simple circle, circle, dot, dot, and then the child has the cootie shot." Several parents have expressed the opinion that their child is too cute, smart, and affluent to be affected by cooties.

Some parents are following Jenny McCarthy's advice as she advocates for the elimination of the cootie shot. Her website states that the shot causes pull-my-finger syndrome, self-inflicted purple nurples, and, in extreme cases, even bed-wetting. "There is a tremendous amount of anecdotal evidence that it causes these behaviors," McCarthy says. "We should not put our children in harm's way for no benefit."

Medical professionals, teachers, and other parents are furious with McCarthy's stance. As cooties spreads across the country, adults are struggling to handle the sick children. Adding to the issue, the disease can spread to adults in the form of headaches and stress.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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