Hearts 'N' Minds: Bush hires Ratzinger's spin doctors

Funny story written by queen mudder

Sunday, 17 September 2006

image for Hearts 'N' Minds: Bush hires Ratzinger's spin doctors
Bush the Martyr PR campaign kicks in

Washington DC - (Associated Mess): President Bush is said to be so impressed by the Vatican's astonishingly succcessful PR campaign last week which culminated in Pope Ratzinger's seminal remarks on inter-faith ecumenism that he has hired pontifical spin doctors to do for him what they did for their own boss in Bavaria last week.

White House PR aides have been abuzz at the millions of column inches and hundreds of hours of free publicity air time generated by the Holy Farter's remaks on Islam that they have recommended the immediate scheduling of a pontifical State Visit to the US centred around a joint Presidential/Papal cross-bearing procession up Capitol Hill with full accompanying martyrdom regalia and themed-in end-of-days resurrection motifs.

The move comes hot on the heels of today's latest breaking news that an Italian nun has been shot dead in a far-flung Islamist corner of Africa following local outrage at Ratzinger's Bavarian remarks when he described the Muslims' prophet as being the root of all evil and violence in the world.

Today's additional spate of church burning along the West Bank has further prolonged the impact of the Papal remarks as have the fire-bombings of Christian villages in the already flattened former residential areas of Southern Lebanon.

"You couldn't buy that kind of PR chain-reaction if you tried", said the President's official spokesperson commenting on the trickle-down effect that has resulted from the exquisite timing of the latest Papal insult to the Islamic world.

Meanwhile, the Vatican's Pontifical Office for Official Smears, Insults and Innuendos has neither admitted nor denied that it is despatching its crack team of public relations script writers to Washington DC following last night's receipt of a blank cheque drawn on the Riggs Bank's Via Dolorosa branch made out to J. Ratzinger esq.

However, a specially kitted-out airplane closely resembling Dick Cheney's ScareForceTwo has been seen at the private Pontifical airport near Castel Gandolfo, being hosed down with gallons of holy water after a full bell, book and candle interior blessing with attendant frankinsence-burning and prolonged ecclesiastical mumbo-jumbo chants.

Such preparations usually signal travel plans for the very highest of the Vatican's employees.

Religious commentators have suggested that this latest Vatican PR plum job has in fact gone to former UK Papal Pro-Nuncio Joaquin Navarro Valls, who mysteriously fled his London posting this July after the Metropolitan Police's Special Branch unit requested to interview him in connection with seized bank accounts connected to the 7/7 London bombers.

More details are expected later in the week.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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