Reese Witherspoon defends Boston bombers

Funny story written by Evil

Thursday, 25 April 2013


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image for Reese Witherspoon defends Boston bombers
Police parked outside of Witherspoon's home.

In a surprising turn of events Reese Witherspoon an animal rights activist told a friend she supports the Boston bombers because they were wild and hairy.

Shortly, after the statement the police were notified and Mrs. Witherspoon was taken into custody for questioning. A mug shot was taken and she was booked and then released.

Upon her release from detention she screamed out at the media, "One of the Boston bombing suspects had brain damage from boxing and he's innocent of terrorism."

Authorities believe that the suspect had brain damage and this is what caused his outburst of emotions and irrational behavior.

She also claims that the news media benefits from people like those bombers who create breaking news headlines, so they can make heavy profits selling news.

Witherspoon addressed a crowd of people outside of the detention center. "There has been a new legal classification of weapons of mass destruction to keep the legal system honest because they like applying vague terms to take power away from the people," said Witherspoon.

"First, weapons of small destruction with low velocity explosion. Second, weapons of medium destruction with mediocre velocity explosion. Third, weapon of mass destruction with extreme velocity explosion." All three accusations carry capital punishment in federal court except for explosions from a 50 caliber gun which are measured lower than low velocity explosions.

"This prevents the federal authorities from arresting a child as a terrorist because he throws a small firecracker on the streets," said Witherspoon.

She says terrorism charges can't be brought against the bombing suspects because they made no demands before the fact and after the fact of the explosions and cohesion can't be proven. Cohesion is what legally defines terrorism. They can only be charged for mass murder.

The Russian police said they couldn't charge the older suspect with a crime while in Russia because the worst he did was drink English tea during his visit to Russia and he stayed with his parents in a Muslim dominated section of Russia.

She wants the legal system to define their statements in details and to stop stating laws in vague language while at the same time they don't use vague language when stating multiple counts against suspects. "The American people are not farm animals to be fooled and abused," said Witherspoon.

A professor of law at Harvard said that vague language was first used by orators of ancient Athens who were basically lawyers who panhandled on the streets for clients and who were quick minded con-artist who knew little about law, but were good as professional lairs.

Finally, Witherspoon ended her arguments with the fact that the constitution doesn't give the feds jurisdiction over the Boston bombing case because it's a domestic crime under Massachusetts statue.

There were no criminal charges in a foreign country or in another American state against the suspects concerning the Boston bombing therefore there is no controversy between American states or between a foreign government and the U.S. This prevents the feds from taking rights away from the state government of Massachusetts.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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