Boom of Bigger Babies in Bay State

Funny story written by Gail Farrelly

Tuesday, 15 August 2006

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A recent Harvard research study reveals the prevalence of pudgy children in Massachusetts increased nearly 60 percent in 22 years. One of the most amazing findings is how heavy newborns are. In Massachusetts, apparently many babies are born big and remain big.

"Is it something in the water or what?" asks Patrick Perplexed, the father of son Sean, who weighed 13 pounds at birth. "Maybe there was a growth hormone in that tea dumped in the harbor during the Boston Tea Party," he joked. On a more serious note, Patrick tells friends that, although his son is only two months old (and now weighs 19 pounds), the fat jokes are already wearing thin. "His aunt gave the baby a gift certificate to Weight Watchers on the day of his Christening. I mean that's going too far."

Patrick's wife Patricia takes the kidding in stride, although she does point out that people are really stunned to see the size of baby Sean. She recalls the reaction of neighbor Rabbi Isaac Rabinowitz when he asked to see her LITTLE bundle of joy." Peeking into the baby carriage, he couldn't hold back his immediate reaction. "Oy!" he exclaimed. Recovering, he then added, "I'm sure he'll bring you joy. Tons and tons of it."

Pamela and Jim Proudaspunch, parents of six-month-old, 28-pound Sarah, say they are TRYING to be more careful about the eating habits of their daughter. "She cries whenever we pass MacDonald's and don't go in," said Pamela. "Right," adds Jim. Sighing, he then admitted that Sarah's first words were 'Big Mac.'" On a positive note, Pamela reports that 'little' Sarah loves to listen to the tapes of exercise guru Richard Simmons. According to Pamela, "Little does she know that, as soon as she can walk, she's going to be doing workouts. Another couple of months, and she'll be 'Sweatin' to the Oldies.'"

Pamela and Jim, preparing for the future growth of Sarah, are looking around for a new car. "Yep," Jim reports. "It's time to trade in the minivan for something bigger. What good is a MINIvan when you have a MAXI kid?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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