Operation To Conjoin Twins A Success

Funny story written by John Butler

Friday, 11 August 2006


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Harriet and Neve Stemitratis who were successfully conjoined after 14 hours of surgery

Parents breathe huge sigh of relief as babies successfully stuck together

Illinois - There was rejoicing and more than a little relief when Doctor Tom Boswell, a private practitioner working out of Moline, Illinois, confirmed he had performed the first ever successful operation to conjoin two perfectly healthy twin girls, Harriet and Neve Stemitratis aged one and a half, from Rock Island.

After 14 hous of painstaking surgery, a proud Dr. Tom Boswell emerged from his operating theatre which he converted from his garage, and declared to the throng of reporters gathered, "I would just like to formally announce that we have two conjoined little girls", adding, "we've really witnessed a miracle here today."

The girl's mother, Maude Stemitratis said she had always dreamt of giving birth to conjoined twins and was heartbroken last year when after going into labour, out popped two perfectly formed albeit fully separate little baby girls.

She confessed, "I thought at that moment myself and Barry (her husband) would have to give up on our long held fantasy of raising a pair of stuck-together children. We were crestfallen."

Husband Barry added, "I remember the look of heartbreak on Maude's face when the two babies came out of her vagina unattached to one another. She could hardly bear to hold them in her arms. We spent the whole night crying together... like babies ironically".

Siamese, or conjoined twins, originate from a single fertilised egg. Such twins are extremely rare, occurring in as few as one in every 200,000 births.

Non-conjoined twins occur about 99,999 times out of 100,000 births. Unlike conjoined twins, the majority survive.

Maude said she found out on Doctor Boswell's website about the possiblity of paying for a surgery that can permanently "connect up" two perfectly healthy, unaffixed children.

How did she find the website: by clicking on a pop up ad which read, "Ever wanted Siamese Twins - then call Doctor Boswell" above a humourous flashing cartoon of two Siamese cats stuck together with elastic, licking each other's fur.

"We couldn't for the life of us decide what part of their anatomy at which I'd like them attached... I mean kids joined at the hip has become such a cliche".

After getting in touch with Doctor Boswell to arrange a meeting, Maude explained how her desire to conjoin Harriet and Neve presented herself and her husband with a number of tough decisions about the nature of the surgery they wanted performed.

"We couldn't for the life of us decide what part of their anatomy at which I'd like them attached... I mean kids joined at the hip has become such a cliche".

She went on, "I have to admit, the idea of having two children attached at the head has always appealed to me for some reason. Dr. Boswell informed me however that this would be a highly tricky procedure to carry out and one which the kids themselves might not appreciate when they grow a little older".

"Eventually we bit the bullet and told the doc, "fuck it, go ahead and attach them at the hip... yeah seriously fuck it... just go for it".

The procedure involved sawing off one of both girls' legs, and attaching their bodies together using a potently adhesive combination of super-industrial-strength glue and multi-overlapping first-aid kit stitching thread.

"It's highly unlikely that any such "re-separation" will occur. I sewed 'em up real tight and put loads of glue on there"

Although this was the first occasion Doctor Boswell had carried out the procedure on humans, he had assured Maude prior to the operation that he had practiced extensively on his vast litter of little labrador puppies with "a fair deal of success too".

Harriet and Neve, no doubt still unaccustomed to the idea of spending the rest of their lives stuck together, will stay under hospital supervision over the coming two weeks in case complications arise in which they start to feel unwell or somehow break loose of one another.

Putting the Stemitratis parents minds at ease, Dr. Boswell insisted, "It's highly unlikely that any such "re-separation" will occur. I sewed 'em up real tight and put loads of glue on there... dollops you could say... way more than I put on the pups and that was still lots. It's pretty much airtight, I guarantee it. We should all be very proud of what we have achieved here today".

Maude too was proud to announce her plans to give up both her spare babies' legs for auction to families who have had babies born with only one leg.

"I felt it was the least I could do. There are thousands of children out there born with only one leg. If I can only make one, sorry two, of these children a little bit happier by letting them use my little babies' severed limbs, then I know I will have done the world a good service".

"It's so great to think how so much good can come of one simple little act of illegal surgery".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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