Conspiracy to Get Rid of Annoying People by Taking Them for Spacewalks Is Busted

Funny story written by Gail Farrelly

Saturday, 22 July 2006

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Boston, Massachusetts -- First came the amazing news that the company Space Adventures plans to offer spacewalks to space tourists. Then came even more amazing news. Boston police have just busted a conspiracy of millionaires (calling themselves REAP, Rid the Earth of Annoying People) reportedly planning to utilize spacewalks to accomplish their goals.

Cutting an immunity deal, one of the conspirators, Sam Savehimself, has provided details to prosecutors. He admitted that the group had decided upon the spacewalk as "the most efficient way of ridding annoying people from our lives forever." Sam said it would be relatively simple to invite these characters for an expense-paid jaunt into outer space. Taking them for a "nice little walk" from which they would never return would be the next step. He shrugged and admitted it would be expensive, but said the group had decided, "Ridding the earth of pests was worth any cost."

Sam even produced a list naming the first four spacewalk "guests." A Spoof spy managed to acquire a copy of the top-secret list. In alphabetical order, here are the names (including a brief rationale as to why each was chosen as meeting the criteria of 'annoying') on the spacewalk list:

--Joey Buttafuoco (Like a boomerang, keeps bouncing back into the news.)
--Kevin Federline (MUST be stopped from reproducing!)
--Judge Judy (Obnoxious and mouthy. Little lace collars on judicial robes too 'cutesy.')
--Donald Trump ("You're fired" has become boring. Hairdo is a disgrace.)

Jail has not dampened the spirits of the members of REAP. They are convinced that their cause is just and that all of us have the right, and responsibility, to get rid of annoying people. "Charlie on the M.T.A" is their favorite song, and they often entertain themselves by singing it in unison. When they get to the chorus, they sing Line 2 ("No he never returned") and Line 6 ("He's the man who never returned") with extra gusto.

Prosecutor Owen Opportunist is looking forward to prosecuting the members of REAP. He considers it a win-win situation. If the prosecution is a success, he'll get a promotion. If the prosecution fails and the accused conspirators go free, Owen will sign his mother-in-law up for the next spacewalk. Pronto.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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