Stephen Hawkins reveals ‘I made all that space stuff up and I'm actually not that clever'

Funny story written by John-Paul Kelly

Saturday, 22 July 2006

image for Stephen Hawkins reveals ‘I made all that space stuff up and I'm actually not that clever'
'Fake Genius' Hawkins

Cambridge, England -- It was revealed yesterday that self-styled ‘cleverest man on the planet' Prof. Stephen Hawkins has actually been pulling the proverbial wool over the eyes of the world for decades. At a hastily arranged emergency press conference at Cambridge University Hawkins, 66, made the shock announcement that all of his supposed groundbreaking theories and discoveries were nothing more than figments of his imagination and that his whole career had been a total sham that had arose from a teenage wager that spiralled out of control.

Speaking via his computer generated voice the discredited academic explained "When I was about 16 I was working at a bicycle repair shop, the guys there ironically referred to me as ‘brains' due to the fact that I found even the simplest task quite a challenge and had been kicked out of school with no qualifications at 14, this led to me betting that I could get in to Oxford University. With the help of a totally fictional CV and a pair of really thick spectacles I breezed through the selection process and the rest is history"

He admitted that at times he wanted the world to know the truth and that all ‘that black hole crap' was an effort to reveal his work as a sham. "I couldn't believe that the whole world just accepted that, I invented something so stupidly far fetched that I was sure I would be exposed as a fake, a hole in space that was as small as a pea but weighed more than the earth, I mean, come on, that was ridiculous"

"I think that sometimes the science world just didn't want to question me because of my disease, nobody wanted to be the one to question the guy in the wheelchair who couldn't speak" he explained. Further revelations included the fact that ‘Professor Stupid' as he is now being called in the science community had never been able to complete even a basic level soduko and that the entire contents of his latest best seller had been copied and pasted directly from online science journals.

Although Cambridge University where Hawkins holds his professorship refused to make an official comment one anonymous source from the science department admitted "These things can happen, he looked like he knew what he was talking about, he had those really thick glasses and even before his disease took hold he didn't seem to have any sporting ability or co-ordination, this suggested to us that he was in fact highly intelligent. The truth is we just don't know how many fake geniuses we have here, if you use a few big words and wear those tweed jackets with leather elbow patches you can feasibly go unnoticed for years, it's a problem for the major seats of learning all over the world"

When asked by journalists why his computer generated voice had a slight American accent even though he was British Hawkins refused to comment.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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