Bloomberg Shrinking The Big Apple's Waistline With A Supersized Attack On 'Fatty Freedom'

Funny story written by Michael Balton

Thursday, 31 May 2012

image for Bloomberg Shrinking The Big Apple's Waistline With A Supersized Attack On 'Fatty Freedom'
A frontline soldier in Bloomberg's war on fat.

New York's diminutive mayor has launched a campaign to shrink the city's citizenry down to size - one resident at a time. The effort began today with a ban on super-sized sugared drinks and will progress with the construction of "fat farms" in each of the city's five boroughs.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who barely measures 5' 2" and weighs under 120 pounds, announced the program in the Brooklyn building that used to house the Domino sugar refinery.

"We've got Big Sugar on the run," Bloomberg said. "They used to make tons of the stuff right here in this factory years ago. Now our new ban will make sure they won't return with their sweet talking ways and their bloated agendas."

The prohibition on sugared drinks larger than 16 ounces is step one in a progressively more stringent program. "If after six months, we don't see noticeable progress in weight control, I will authorize the police force to stop and frisk any fatty who has the nerve to be walking our streets," Bloomberg said.

If the search uncovers a sugary treat or fatty food, the overweight person will be arrested on the spot and dispatched immediately to what Bloomberg describes as a "fat farm" for remedial action.

"These concentration centers will help the city to focus on problem cases," the mayor said. "Inmates, I mean guests will be fed only oatmeal and unsweetened tea during their stay with us. A similar diet was tried in Germany and Poland in the 40s, with some remarkable results."

Other key aspects of program:

The phrase "you want fries with that?" will be banished from the city's vocabulary. Anyone who asks the question will be subject to a five-year prison sentence. "Words can be more damaging than bullets sometimes," Bloomberg explained. "So we will be as tough on words as we are on guns."

A special agreement has been reached with the New York City patrolmen's union that exempts powdered sugar doughnuts from any present or future dietary ban.

Anyone photographed with Mayor Bloomberg "from this day forward" must be positioned in the background of the shot. "I'm the guy with the big ideas," the mayor explained. "So it's only fair that I appear in every photograph as the biggest bigshot in the Big Apple."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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