More Wit, Wisdom, and Ideas To Live By From Throckmorton P. Turdblossom

Wednesday, 28 April 2010


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Some folks call it a dump, but every man's got his castle (even if it is in ruins)

I got lots of people tellin' me that they like my philosophies of life. Hell, it ain't no damn philosopy, it's the way things are, or at least should be!

Anyhow, here's some more of my ways of thinking and ideas and questions and such. I don't care if it ain't politically correct or if it pisses some folks of at MSNBC or CNN or on the Ellen Degenerate show. It's how I think and what I feel.

General Observations:

1. They say that love handles is that extra bit of fat around your waist. They're wrong... love handles are your girl friend's ears when you're getting a Lewinsky surprise.

2. If you ain't got to second base by the time your 16, you're probably a crappy baseball player who's also got no luck with girls.

3. In my day, every boy had that red bikini picture of Farrah Fawcett on their bedroom wall. Modern teenagers got naked pictures of Britney as their computer wallpaper.

4. It's a mark of manhood to write your first name on a bathroom wall. It's a mark of desperation to call one of those names from your cell phone while still inside of the stall.

5. If a nurse or female doctor ever has to examine your privates, it's best to get a boner. They'll treat you better cuz it lets 'em know you think they're hot, even if they are butt ugly.

6. Condoms not only protect you from venereal diseases, they also protect you from shotgun weddings.

7. Some folks wonder why there wasn't more female streakers. We got 'em, they're just called exotic dancers and work in the titty bars.

8. I was kinda proud of my son when I found that pair of thong underwear under the seat when I let him borrow my truck for a date, until I found out they was his.

9. They got a name for cats that are howling on the back fence at night: moving targets.

10. I guess young folks these days like wearing their thong underwear with that string up your crack and the elastic straps coming up outta your pants. In my days, we called that a wedgie.

11. It used to be that you could tell if a girl dyed her hair because the carpet didn't match the curtains. These days, it's all just bare floors down there (...and ready for hard wood).

12. If yer gonna go skinnydippin' with a girl who's only fifteen, be prepared to go to jail for twenty.

13. When I want something to "open me up," I eat prunes. Folks these days watch The View fer that.

14. The worst thing possible to say to the groom about the bride if'n you're the best man: "I'd do her" (unless you already done her, and then it's "I tapped that").

15. Them young girls need to start covering up their bra straps; that's why it's called underwear. What are they trying to do, brag that they finally got their titties?

16. Learning how to unhook a bra: it's part of puberty for a girl, a right of passage for a young man, unneeded for a flat chested woman, and damned hard to do for an old man with arthritis.

17. I saw a bunch of them "Moonies" one time in the airport, but they was all wearing long robes with shaved heads and selling books; not one of 'em flashed his ass at me.

18. It's funny how the meanings of words change. When I was younger, a shave tail was an inexperienced feller. Now it's a girl that waxes the hair off of her privates.

19. If howling stray cats are keeping you awake at night, invite a Vietnamese family over for supper.

Questions on the Mysteries of the Universe:

1. If you are the only man in a room full of women, and one of them farts, they all look at you. Who do they look at if there's no men in the room?

2. How come if a pretty girl wants to wiggle parts of her naked body at me, it's called mooning, flashing, or a lap dance and sometimes costs me money... but if I try to show mine to her, it's indecent exposure?

3. If the Daniel Boone show was on today in our era of political correctness crap, would they still be allowed to say that he liked "shootin' at coons?"

4. I went out with this woman last night. She told me she was a virgin, but why was she wearin' a nursing bra?

My Outlook on Old Sayings:

1. Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water. Why? Don't most rivers, springs, and streams run downhill? Idiots!

2. My mama always told me to wear clean under britches in case I was in an accident. It's also a good idea to wear 'em if there's a possibility of gettin' luck or goin' skinnydipping.

3. If life gives you lemons, it's legal to make lemonade.... but if life gives you a still, how come it's illegal to make moonshine?

4. They say that if you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day, but if you teach a man to fish, he'll probably get a hat from Bass Pro Shops.

5. They say "the bigger they are, the harder they fall".... but them really fat ones got lots of padding, so it probably don't hurt much.... and they might just roll anyway.

6. They say that you can't judge a book by its cover, which is why all women should go topless when you meet 'em.

7. They say that too many cooks spoil the broth, but my wife can do it all by herself.

Politics and Other Crooks (nope, just politicians):

1. You'll never see Barack Obama at a NASCAR evnet. The closest that he'll ever get is the racing stripes in his undershorts.

2. If you farted every time you lied, Congress would quickly blow the dome off the Capital building.

3. When I was in school, they were always takin' the Special Education kids to the farm or zoo. These days, they're takin' 'em to Washington and lettin' 'em run the whole damn Government.

4. Did you ever notice that all them idiots that voted for change in the last election are those that are too lazy to get off their ass and work to change anything themselves?

5. You are what you are, and ACORNs always were a bunch of little nuts mostly liked by squirelly folks.

6. Inflation and deflation are the words politicians use to describe their egos and what they want to do to the thickness of my wallet.

7. It don't take a genius to see that Barack Obama and Body Odor got the same initials, and that they both stink.

8. Call 'em what you want to, undocumented workers or illegal aliens; they're all just wetbacks on welfare to me.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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