Baby Jesus Thief Unrepentant

Funny story written by Don Fulsom

Thursday, 22 December 2011

A Pennsylvania woman police have charged with heisting an 80-pound plaster-of-Paris Baby Jesus statuette reportedly has no remorse for her alleged actions. The hefty figurine was filched from its cradle in a nativity display in a strip mall in Virginia.

The 25-year-old woman is accused of grand larceny in the unusual caper. Sources close to the case say the woman (who we are not naming because she only looks like a minor in her Internet mug shot) will say she did it for religious, and therefore, well meant, and justifiable reasons. "Baby Jesus," one source quoted the alleged thief as saying, "is my Christian hero and my ticket to salvation. That's why I wanted him to myself and my small band of followers in a branch of Christianity that worships only the Baby Jesus-not the adult version."

The woman allegedly stole the religious icon with the help of a forklift operated by a relative, who is also a member of a splinter group of a Christian sect that believes only in the magical properties of humongous plaster copies of Baby Jesus. The splinter group-some call it a "cult"-was founded in 2002, supposedly by the ghost of the dead guy who invented Scientology.

The accused perpetrator says she was only following through on God's orders to her to steal and hoard as many of biggest Baby Jesus figurines she could find. When arrested, the alleged culprit was hiding 40 life-sized Baby Jesus statuettes in what she calls the "church" part of her home, a part she deducts on her taxes.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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