Call Girls Will Use Priority Lanes on Roads During London Olympics - Speedy Vice Service Guaranteed for VIPs

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Monday, 22 August 2011


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As London continues its Olympic countdown, Mayor Boris Johnson has given the go ahead for an historic decision, that he argues will have positive long term benefits for the city and leave a lasting legacy for all communities. This follows months of behind the scenes negotiations which became heated and protracted, as the Olympic committee insisted that London open up the special lanes that have been set aside on major roads for VIPs and official, for London's best call girls.

The Mayor's confirmation, means that these services will be able to be delivered to the hotels and accommodation of the VIPS and athletes without being held up in London's notoriously gridlocked streets during peak times and other heaving traffic periods. This move has led to mixed reaction in a city suffering Olympic fatigue and alienation from preferential treatment; the high class call girls being the latest sign of an Olympics geared for the elite not ordinary Londoners.

In an official statement from the office of the Mayor, "The spotlight of the world will be on London next summer. There has been a massive investment in improving our infrastructure to make sure that everything runs with precision as thousands of VIPs and athletes come to our city. As part of this delivery of world class service, the city cannot create an unfair two tier system and justify call girls taking one or even worse two hours to make journeys during the Olympics. For these VIPs they need to see call girls with 30 minutes at tops after they have made their order. If they spent all their time in traffic it will be an embarrassment from all Londoners and business, if these VIPs can't access London's brightest talents. We are therefore delighted to extend the network to our hardest working women who like be representing the best face of modern British passion and business."

Whilst publically the Major and Olympic committee are all smiles, privately there has been tense standoff between the two camps. The Mayor's office argued it would be hard to get the public behind the decision whilst the committee threatened to issue a huge penalty against the city for failing to deliver on one of the agreements that they argue was written in the original terms and conditions of the contract that London signed back in July 2007.

The Mayor's office was informed only in July this year that London must deliver on opening up the special lanes for call girls or else, and that it was in the contract. This led to a blame game on who made this massive blunder on the London team and how this clause was not spotted in the original contract. Fingers pointed at variety of figures including lawyers, the former Mayor Ken Livingstone and Sebastian Coe the Chairman of the London Organising Committee for the Olympic Games, who also headed up the original bid. Others argue that the Olympic committee hid this in coded language in a section of the contract where it talked about teas coffees and easy access to facilities and therefore tricked London into this.

The Mayor's office felt they had delivered everything to date as asked by the Olympic committee and so hoped that they could ask them to drop this demand regarding call girls. The Mayor and London have been riding on wave of good news in the early summer, following confirmation and photos that all the buildings had been completed on budget and well within time. They also felt that since taking over from the former mayor Ken Livingstone they had restored integrity to the project. There had been alarm in Olympic committee circles as well as in the US when it emerged that Livingstone was going to use the Olympics to allow his Cuban and Venezuelan friends to rally against the evils of capitalism and subject the world to marathon speeches and parades from these two regimes.

The Olympic committee played hardball and threatened that call girls would be flown in from around Europe and that London would have to offer them accommodation, in an already crowded market for next summer.

Not all Londoners are happy, especially those in the regenerated parts of East London saying that this Olympics is again failing to deliver on its original promises of offering benefits to their community. East London Prostitute Association Against the Olympics has been the most vocal since London won the bid, "Why are they now giving priority to other areas once again. Hard working prostitutes from East London are being overlooked. Many of these VIPS will be flying past in their cars as if we don't exist. From day one when London won the bid we have been trying to engage the government to create an integrated strategy that will allow the VIPs to meet and access prostitutes from this part of town without further disruption to the lives of other Londoners or the transport network. We produced a proposal to build relaxation zones with the Olympic village that could have won accolades for its eco sustainability and architectural beauty, but now thousands of call girls using cars next summer will create unnecessary pollution. We have some of the finest and friendliest ladies in East London if not the world, and thanks to the monumental cock up by the Mayor, these VIPs are only going to see a narrow slice of fake, public school educated girls rather than real Londoners."

Some Londoner's angry at the decision are mounting a campaign through social media to organise alternatives including Vice Girls Flash Mob outside the Olympic village next summer. Others are asking all Londoners to distract VIPs and stand on the side of these special highways to show solidarity with street prostitutes of East London and a sign of their disgust at preferential treatment of high class call girls.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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