In shocking new low for UK politics, the prime minister has been accused, following investigations by website Yummy Mummy, that he engineered the London riots so that he could come back early from his Tuscan holiday.
The nation is reeling as events take a turn for the surreal, with many media commentators saying this could have been lifted from a bad British comedy. Community leaders of areas left devastated by the riots are demanding an investigation and Ed Miliband leader of the opposition has asked how Cameron could justify encouraging millions pounds worth of damage and images being sent around the world of Britain in anarchy all because of holiday boredom.
A source in Tuscany where Cameron and his wife were on holiday when the riots happened, claims that the PM was clearly not enjoying himself; "He seemed to hate that everyone he met kept on telling him how wonderful that British fella, Tony Blair, was. They had no idea that he was the PM."
YummyMummy, the investigative news website for bored mums, which also has a dating section hooking up women with teenage men, also unearthed signs of marital boredom which was another trigger. "It's not easy being leader of the UK one minute, busy mismanaging the economy and world affairs and then the next minute going on holiday and made to feel a spare part, surrounded by friends of his wife. He felt totally left out," said a DJ friend of Sam Cam.
The final straw came when he was ridiculed for being an old fuddy duddy by one of Sam Cam's old raver friends after he refused to dance along to 'You Got The Love' the house song from the early 90s by Candi Staton. Cameron blew his top, furious at being mocked and lectured his wife and her friends about the evils of the acid house movement, which led to him being subject to further drunken hysterical laughter. He then sulked in his room for the next few days reading Tony Blair's book on his time in office.
On the night of the 6th August, hearing that Tottenham was up in flames he sensed his chance to cancel the holiday from hell and instructed the UK police to allow it to 'kick off some more' so that he could justify coming back and leave his annoying missus and her friends.
The PM's office said they were unable to comment, but have pictures to prove that the PM was in fact as popular in Tuscany as Tony Blair in his heyday. Rumours are circulating that there is mobile phone footage of Cameron briefing some gangs to target Sam Cam's store Smythson, where she is a consultant, along with houses in Notting Hill that belonged to Sam Cam's circle of friends. Due to the teenagers' dyslexia problems, they looted WH Smith's instead.
Representatives of the rioters feel they have been cheated and used as pawns; coerced into an orgy of destruction as if it was an Eton parlour game. Others are pointing to the immaturity of the PM, and why an issue that could have been settled privately between the couple, needed to involve hundreds of youths who are now traumatised as a result. Human rights organisations are now calling into question if any of the swift sentences issued have any validity. A march on Downing Street is being planned in the next few days.
