Police to cut brown envelope receptacles by 14%

Funny story written by Deafo

Friday, 22 July 2011

The HM Inspectorate of Constabulary has confirmed they will be drastically slashing the number of brown envelope receptacles in operation across the force in the UK, according to research conducted by the body.

It is expected that there will be 34,000 fewer willing recipients of wads of cash stuffed by well known media organisations and criminal cartels in England and Wales in March 2015 than there were in March 2010, which could stretch the force to breaking point as bribes bottleneck unacceptably.

It estimated that the overall cut of 14% will include losing up to 16,200 officers leading criminologists to claim that those remaining officers will need to have their pockets reinforced to cope with strain of the additional reams of notes coming their way.

Britain's uppermost criminologist, Randy Gutt, feared crooks and journalists alike would become impatient for confirmation that their misdeeds had been swept under the carpet.

'There is a very real danger that impatience across the criminal fraternity, within in that I include all employees of News International, will escalate as they become unduly obstructed in going about their day-to-day tasks.'

'This bottle neck will inevitably lead to more and more police time spent counting out the contents of paper envelope's to see which contains most cash, rather than the previous top heavy cart blanche approach to accepting any amount of cash for any kind of crime.'

'The police can be more selective now, and rates will inevitably increase.'

Former Met Chief, Sir Paul Condon, declared the news had tweaked his interest in returning to the role he once held.


'Isn't that like a more profitable form of kettling?'

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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