Despite its exhausting and increasingly sanctimonious involvement in Libya and Egypt, the US this week confirmed that it was determined to take necessary action and invade a small, Esso service service station in Bracknell. The proposed action was confirmed by Pentagon spokesman Dave Lapan, who stated that the deed was required to liberate and improve working conditions for the two-strong workforce at the site, and also to put an end to a local dictatorship.
"Unfortunately, the leader of this Esso station has been ruling with an iron rod for far too long," claimed Mr. Lapan. "Imagine a place where lunch breaks are restricted, holiday requests are repeatedly denied and hard working staff do not get so much as a complimentary Twix by the way of a perk. This is the kind of totalitarian rule that the US is proud to oppose, and we must strike quickly to protect global peace."
When asked if the target in question posed a threat to US security, Mr Lapan was indignant. "Well, he has a passport and a small amount of disposable income, so we must be realistic and accept that he may well breach our shores if we do not meet his threat. In addition to this, he has a prosthetic limb which may well be considered to a weapon of at least partial destruction, especially if it were to be wielded within a small, well-populated space."
Cynics have dared to suggest that oil is the primary motive in the US invasion plans, but this was robustly denied by Mr Lapan. "Oil, what's that?" he enquired, before adding "I am aware that the service station have a wonderful line in pastries and auto mobile magazines, but material possessions are insignificant when we are dealing with the well being of at least two people and a handful of part time cleaning staff. Democracy must prevail against all odds."
Britain's David Cameron refused to comment, instead despatching a flustered looking Nick Clegg to speak on his behalf. "We fully support any US action in Bracknell, and will afford any spare manpower, or indeed any spare man, that we have to crush this oppressive rule. Now, please excuse me gentlemen, Mr Cameron is enjoying a romantic evening with himself tonight and I have to get to Oddbins before it closes. Not to mention the stack of washing up that needs to be done in the Downing Street kitchen."
For locals who may be concerned by the invasion, the Government has urged calm. In a press release issued this morning, it was stated that there was a BT garage a quarter of a mile down the road, and that Ginsters had been alerted to a possible pasty shortage and will be deployed to drop several thousand chicken and mushroom bakes in a special aid package. The Americans will foot the considerable bill of this action, in an effort to keep any potential rebel alliances from emerging out of local truck drivers, labourers and disgruntled farmers.
