Pessimism to be come 'cause of death' - NHS

Funny story written by Deafo

Friday, 18 February 2011

image for Pessimism to be come 'cause of death' - NHS
The remnants of pessimism

Patients who display pessimism in the ability of the NHS to make them better often leads to a self fulfilling prophecy containing an untimely passing that is totally and utterly of the patients own making, according to researchers.

The research showed that a number of seriously ill patients questioned on their level of faith in being cured during their stay at hospital who answered 'no' often went on to be the cause of their own death, whereas those who answered 'yes' were optimistic enough to self medicate at home purely on a diet of positive survival based thoughts.

Research coordinator Amit Ameye says a patients level of confidence in those tending to him is almost as important as having a properly functioning NHS that actually saves the lives of those not concious enough to be optimistic.

'What is the point of coming to hospital if when you're there you display doubt in the very people charged with saving your grubby little life?'

'This kind of unsubstantiated doubt is having a detrimental effect on the very statistics that the NHS is judged by. It's as irresponsible as it is misleading.'

'We ask these people to be as fulsomely optimisitic in the liklihood of the own death as they are in their pessimism of the nurses and doctors whose failings can now be readily attributed to their patients mindset.'

Secretary of State for Health Andrew Lansley said this was the kind of finding that could lead to questionnaires being issued at hospital before any treatment is carried out.

'I would imagine we will be asking all visitors hoping for a stay at hospital to answer a carefully choreographed set of questions that will make them out to be the worst kind of pessimists.'

'The kind who clearly understand the dire state of the Britain's health service.'

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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