Eight year-old goes on shooting rampage in Supermarket

Funny story written by Opus Popus

Monday, 31 January 2011

Chaos reigned for a short and bloody time at a local supermarket in Halibut as an eight year old indulged on a vicious shooting rampage, armed with an imaginary machine gun and a pack of fifteen imaginary grenades, inflicting maximum casualties.

As the young terrorist ducked and weaved his way through the store everything around him burst into billowing clouds of imaginary smoke and flames.

Dean Casey entered the supermarket with an older female accomplice between twelve and twelve fifteen, and according to witnesses was looking to start a fight with anyone who crossed his path.

One survivor of the onslaught said later in a statement released through the police that, "If you even caught his eye, he would toss a grenade your way without a second thought. We were completely terrorised. Will this be in the newspaper? Ooh splendid. Can I say Hi to my mum? What?? Oh sorry, I'm just not used to this. It's scary enough if you know what the terrorist wants, but it's something else if there's no rhyme or reason to their cause. He didn't seem to want anything, just another maniac with an appetite for destruction"

Casey was seen around twenty minutes later exiting the store holding hands with his mother, flinging his unused grenades with wanton abandon as they made made good their escape in their getaway car, a red Vauxhall Corsa.

The police are anxious to talk with his mother, in a bid to establish her role as the possible accomplice to the mayhem.

While the carnage exploded around her, eye witnesses attest that she appeared oblivious of the whole thing, and acting in a "suspiciously normal manner," quite ignorant of the trail of destruction being left in her wake.

"In cases of this kind," said Police Constable Jim, "It is not unusual for the secret accomplice to a crime to act as normally as possible as she pretends not to notice the crime taking place. He or she is only there for support if the crime takes an unexpected twist. If you see someone acting normally, it's usually a sign that they have either just committed a crime, are currently committing a crime or are planning their next crime. This can be quite clearly be seen in the case of Mrs Casey proceeding with her weekly shopping."

Police will move on the matter as soon as they can relieve officers from the latest theft of a cat, but they have confirmed that they have made written reference of the incident in their CRIME notebook.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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