Written by Auntie Matter

Sunday, 23 January 2011

image for Mafia Set Up Shop in UK
Mario showing off to the groom during his daughter's wedding.

Unconfirmed reports are surfacing that Chicago's notorious head of La Familia, Don Mario Malvagio, has been elected Grand Master Wizard of the UK's 700,000 Freemasons at Bristol's famous Masonic Hall.

In a ground-breaking ceremony involving aprons, candles, scrolls, a slide rule, a compass, a calculator, a credit card, two paving stones, a packet of Polyfilla, a parrot and a stuffed gerbil, Malvagio was sworn in.

This is the first time the FreeMasons have called a spade a spade, so to speak, and made known their connections with business in America.

Don Mario rose to eminence as Worshipful Master of the ill-fated lodge known as Propaganda Due thought to have been responsible for the near bankruptcy of the Vatican Bank in the late seventies.

In the wake of the scandal, Mario fled to America and the bosom of his relatives in Chicago.

There he quickly assumed control of the Mafia organization where he is considered to be the true successor to Al Capone.

Don Mario wears a Fedora and smokes Havana cigars.

Asked what it all meant, British ex-Prime Minister and Grand Wizard Gordon Brown said simply: "This is patent nonsense."

But then he went on (and on).

"I know nothing about it and I am not a Freemason, nor is Peter Mandelson nor Tony Blair. And it is certainly not true that the Freemasons are a secret society devoted to securing political power, media control and dominion over people's minds.Neither do they use legal powers to protect one another nor do they use the media to stifle all forms of scrutiny into the activities of their members.

"And may I take this opportunity to repeat what I said in the House: my very dear, good friend J.K.Rowling is the greatest writer who has ever lived, as well as a philosopher, profound artist, mystic and saint with an encylcopedic mind...can't you tell by listening to the woman for crying out loud! ...and there is absolutely nobody else involved in writing the stuff! Nor do Masonic symbols, beliefs or occultist history appear anywhere in her work. Now fuck off out of it!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Crime, Mafia

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