Some sobering news just in from the Shuttlecock home near Portsmouth, UK, as local man, Martin Shuttlecock poured cold water on the notion that multiple partner sex orgies are in any way erotic.
Lighting his pipe (loaded with Dark Shag) fluffing up his corduroy trousers, and twiddling his toes in his brand new carpet slippers, Shuttlecock was able to commentate on youthful misdemeanours which would have made many a budding lothario blush.
Puffing on his pipe (but not in a gay way) Shuttlecock admitted that although these days he has a big mis-shapen leonine head with a grey mane and is virtually toothless, he once cut quite a swagger in the North West of England.
"You wouldn't think it to look at me these days," Shuttlecock said, as he approached his 118th birthday. "But there was a day when I was a proper Jack The Lad. I was doing orgies before anybody ever heard of internet porn. Of course, we had to wing it in them days because we had no role models."
Although it may appear inconceivable to youngsters these days, Martin Shuttlecock described the early days of sexual hysteria without a great degree of melancholia,
"It were all a bit confusing really," Shuttlecock admitted. "I mean, I've never been much cop at multi-tasking - so when you're giving a bird a portion, it doesn't exactly help matters when her best mate is sticking her finger up your arse and licking the wax out of your ears. It's just distracting. And it's even worse if one of their bisexual boyfriends suddenly appears, stark bollock naked, with a bloody great stiffy on trying to put it where he really shouldn't. There's just too much going on. It's confusing. Stick with the one bird is my advice. The last thing you need, when you're hitting the vinegar stroke is a second silly mare trying to lick the snot out of your left nostril."
Shuttlecock vowed to this Skoob News reporter that his days of rampant sexual experimentation are well behind him.
"When you get to my age, son," he told our reporter. "You'd rather have a meat pie."
With gravy?
Oh yessss!
Gravy...
Apparently, that's the new buzzword:
Gravy....
More as we get it...
