A local man, normally of good cheer during the December holiday period, was in a black mood after being forced to recognize the Chinese New Year instead of a traditional Christmas by his wife, who by all accounts, was not in possession of her faculties, during a recent shopping trip.
Claiming she wanted a Christmas Tree she could leave up for at least 4 months, instead of the normal God Grown tree that sheds it's needles and dies a horrible death within 2 weeks of being in the house, the wife, a stubborn Norwegian, only one step above a Newfie in the gene pool, forced the good natured man into a trip to the local big box store and with little to do caused him to purchase an artificial $200 tree, with a stand, 500 winkie white lights and a 3 year limited warranty.
The 7' faux tree was neatly packed in 3 (three) sections which fit easily together along with a series of electrical connections and 576 individual branches that had to be bent into place simulating a real live Christmas tree from Maine, but smelled a bit like a cat litter box or day old shrimp chop suey.
Upon further inspection it was ascertained that the tree was in reality assembled in China, with Chinese lights, Chinese wiring, and with fake pine needles of dubious resistance to heat, or an open flame for that matter.
Further trepidation was taken when upon opening the accompanying fortune cookie containing the limited instructions, the man learned that his lucky number was "9-1-1", the number to call should the tree turn into the proverbial 'burning bush' if the lights were left on and unattended for more than 15 minutes at a time.
Fearing the worst, but wanting to keep peace in the house, the man went to the garage and retrieved the large all purpose fire extinguisher he bought, only to find by reading the fine print, that it too was made in China, and the warning label clearly stated, "Do Not Use to Extinguish Electrical Fires on Christmas Trees Manufactured in China as Death or Serious Injury May Result! So Solly!"
Not wanting to spoil Christmas for the family Pet, the man made an effort to remove all other Chinese Goods from the home to limit the possibility of any potential fire from spreading.
Unfortunately, after checking the labels on everything in the house, the man realized he would not only be left naked, but with no means of communication, no shoes to walk in, a concrete slab where the carpet had been, no electronics to catch breaking news, and not even a pillow to lay his weary head, not to mention a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.
Not even his two main vehicles were safe, as one was made mostly in Mexico with Chinese parts, and the other was assembled in Detroit by African Tribesman with an attitude using parts made in Mexico AND China.
Feeling frustrated, abandoned, and doomed to death, the man took a change of clothes and his faithful dog, who was an AKC full blooded American, a 6-pack of Gatorade , an economy sized bag of Reece's Peanut Butter Cups and left home for the holidays in his German Car, built in Germany with German Parts by German Craftsman.
He didn't know how long it would take him to get to Minnesota, but he knew he'd get there eventually, maybe even in time for next year's Ocktoberfest where the natives celebrated with their own homemade beer and sausage, cut down real trees, and the food labels clearly stated, "Made in the USA by Americans!"
