Popular telly hostess acquitted of stalking, harassment charges

Funny story written by Catherine the Average

Wednesday, 1 December 2010


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Doo doo process? Lady Justice Sterne-Battylaxe, who dismissed the case.

Somewhat remembered television presenter Yvonne Fielding was set free in court today on charges she stalked and harassed WikiLeaks founder Julian Asshat.

In compelling testimony before Lady Justice Constant Sterne-Battylaxe, Fielding said she was simply trying to secure Asshat's agreement to appear as a celebrity ghost in a planned revivial of the series Most Haunted.

"I thought it made a great deal of sense," Fielding told the court. "He's obviously not afraid of publicity, he looks a lot like Derek Acorah, at least in night vision, and, bascially, he's a goner. From the Interpol to Sarah bloody Palin, everybody with a gun is on the hunt for him, aren't they?"

Represented by the firm of Carl and Stewart, Fielding sought to convince the court she was acting under the pressure of the new world of media.

"If I was doing this six hundred years ago, I would have only needed a quiet word with Fergie before she took that final walk from the Tower. These days you have to close the deal while anybody still cares. The whole world's gone A.D.D. I mean, one day everybody knows your name and the next you're valueless because The Daily Mail thinks Sienna Miller might be having it off with Gary Lineker."

Asked on cross examination if she had not got the corpse before the horse, Fielding replied:

"It was just a little forward thinking. Look, you can't piss off the most powerful governments in the world and expect to die in your sleep aged 90, can you?"

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