Growing Resentment as WikiLeaks Disclosures Show Who's Hot, Who's Not

Funny story written by Catherine the Average

Tuesday, 30 November 2010

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Why didn't I get invited?

Britain's betters are responding with increasing petulance, defensiveness and typical misguided self-importance over the emerging stars of the smash hit multi-part series 'WikiLeaks." The disclosures, naming such leading lights as Gorgon Brown and Prince Andrew, are the who's who of diplomatic cattiness.

But the named and shamed are not settling well with those who anticipated their own petty or risible remarks would be published for all the world to see and subsequently find themselves with unused prepared statements of outrage.

The WikiLeaks information threatens to unseat several sacred cows Labouring under the impression they had actual impact on important matters or managed to catch the attention of the people who actually run the world.

"Typical American insularity and short sightedness," sniffed one grandee not included in the mess. "No, I shan't tell you my name because no one has noticed yet that I haven't contributed anything shocking or stupid to their little run of actual, embarrassing, peace threatening gossip."

Others were more forthcoming about not coming forth in the torrent of two-faced whoopsies.

"I have made a number of statements during the course of my illustrious career that have shocked and astonished not just the establishment, but people everywhere," said Harriet Harman at Speaker's Corner, assessed by aides as the most likely location for her to say something to which somebody, anybody really, might pay attention. "I cannot understand why I am not all over WikiLeaks, except then I thought 'oh, well, it's just systematic discrimination', as I always do. That's it and it is just more evidence of the Y-Chromosome conspiracy to prevent equal standing for women in politics as true backbiters. The results would be much different if Theresa May had let alone my darling Equality Bill!" At the conclusion of her remarks several American tourists applauded until they understood that was not the Queen.

"I guess this means I really am a nobody," sobbed Jacqui Smith. "What's worse, apparently I was also a nobody as Home Secretary. I knew people would confuse the title! Everybody always thought as Home Secretary I was bringing the coffee and biscuits!"

Like Harman, who provided her talking points, Smith believes the material is wide of mark as far as naming the most important contributors to salacious, petty and jealous oh-ho-hos. "I thought for certain all the details about the porn rental would make the grade. I also think -" well, no one really cares what she thinks, do they?

In Brighton, Lord Mandelson smiled with satisfaction and said: "This underscores what I've said all along. My friends aren't quite as skeevy as the British press would have you believe. And neither are their yachts."

At Westminster, Nick Clegg is said to be 'considering his options' as the subject of several critiques where he was misidentified variously as David Cameron, Thomas E. Dewey or Neville Chamberlain. In Scotland, sources say Gordon Brown believes references to him as paranoid and weak and unstable perfectly position him for another run at the leadership of the Labour party.

When asked why Hazel Blears was not included on the list, Hazel Blears said: "Who's Hazel Blears?" and then smiled quite charmingly and did a little jig as she asked: "Don't you think I looked a little bit like Lucille Ball? I hear that all the time, you know. "

Meantime, the most powerful figures in national life, celebrities, are redoubling efforts to make sure they assume their rightful place, ensnared in subsequent scandals. Katie Jordan-Price, PhD, is said to be working on a speech that is 'bound to generate a Katie Jordan-Price SHOCK headline in The Daily Mail' and is being treated for vision damage suffered from copying and pasting off Wikipedia at all hours. Exiting Simpson's-the-Strand with a shopping bag full of beef bones, Susan Boyle did not deny she is currently recording an album of Bolshevik anthems, telling reporters instead: "I'm just here on a little holiday, now mind fookin' Pebbles."

Even the Queen is mystified by the outings, and is said to have privately told friends: "I had a tenner on Charles, not Andrew."

"I don't care," sniffed George Michael as he trekked Hampstead Heath. "I'm on Craigslist. That's where the real action is."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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