Jesus Christ was a fag and a communist

Funny story written by Kid Icarus

Saturday, 27 November 2010


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"Your eyes are sweet and beautiful, you smell like a morning rose desiring to part its petals for the world."

Was Jesus Christ a gay bitch with a loose ass? Was he really a communist? The answer to those questions and others are clear to see in the bible.

All the evidence in the bible points to the fact that Jesus was gay. He didn't hang out with women, but instead bedded down every night with 12 male apostles. He wore a robe and had long hair which means he liked dressing in drag. He tells a prostitute not to have sex with men by saying, "go sin no more." They say he never slept with a woman and he was telling men to only have one wife. He allowed Judas to give him a kiss which was really weird since most guys would rather accept a handshake.

Other odd behavior which he exhibited were, volunteering to be whipped senseless and then allowing himself to be crucified which means he may have had sadomasochist tendencies. At the last super, Jesus gave 12 men bread, saying it was his body, which was broken for them, and gave them wine, saying it was his blood, clearly indicating he was suffering from a mental illness. Since he also drank wine he may have been a drunk and a drug addict. He most likely masturbated to get rid of his blue balls. He took a bath which means he washed his penis by stoking his rod with soap. He definitely had a morning woody each and every day since he was male. He ate fish and bread which means he was a cannibal and not the famed vegetarian everyone claims he was. On a few occasions his disciples stepped on camel dung only to find out at a later moment, it was Jesus who took a crap on that spot, the night before. If he urinated every day, he was accustomed to peeling open his penis which puts him in an odd position. Another strange thing he did was to tell his disciples not to deny him any children by saying, "Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me." In modern day society such a statement would land a man in jail.

Furthermore, Jesus Christ is said to have been born a virgin, yet there is doubt about that since he came out of his mother's vagina during birth and his peter rubbed up against her vagina wall, technically, causing him to have intercourse with a woman. It would have been easier for God to have made Jesus out of mud like he did with Adam then he would have never come into contact with a woman's unclean vagina. Jesus most likely breast fed and played with his mother's breast and nipples making him an official grouper.

Historians say he was definitely a communist because he threw money lenders out of the church and he disliked tax collectors. Instead of buying fish and bread from the store he pulled it out of a basket for free and didn't charge people money to eat it.

Finally, he departed into the heavens, but hasn't returned quick enough to prevent millions of little children, which he professed to have loved, from dying in natural disasters, starvation, and diseases.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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