As Ireland faces its hour of greatest need and teeters on the brink of bankruptcy, an unlikely saviour has come to the rescue.
The IRA has declared that it is coming out of the shadows and has registered as a limited company. This will involve the payment of tax on all aspects of its current income and business activities, as well as monies owed from 1970 onwards.
Martin McStout, formerly a commander of the Belfast Brigade of the IRA and now a respected expert on education, said "This is the least we can do, given Ireland's precarious financial position. Over the years, we have earned hundred of millions, what with the money from NORAID and Libya, our extortion and protection rackets, gun running, drug dealing, prostitution and the odd successful bank robbery. We also made a mint when we decommissioned most of our weapons and sold them to African banana republics".
Mr McStout went on to say, "We have reached agreement with the tax office and will now pay the corporate tax rate on all of our income. VAT will also be chargeable on all goods and services, including those we will continue to provide to Ulster and the British mainland. This is a seismic shift for us, as we have previously denied all of our activities and income. We once tried to legitimise our tax avoidance by registering as a charity, but the Charity Commission were uncomfortable with our hatred of protestants and the British and our sworn mission to kill every last one of the bastards. However, IRA Ltd is now ready to become Ireland's biggest corporate player and to contribute accordingly to the wealth of the nation. This might even avoid the necessity for EU and IMF loans".
In a further effort to generate much needed income for Ireland, it is understood that McStout is in negotiations with several Hollywood studios. Our sources inform us that the IRA is selling the movie rights to Enniskillen, Bloody Sunday, the Mountbattens, Canary Wharf, the Baltic Exchange and the real stories of the Birmingham and Guildford pub bombings. However, first up will be the Brighton Grand Hotel bombing, with Sir Norman Tebbit being expected to undertake the role of technical advisor.
Hollywood insiders are almost unable to conceal their excitement. One said "Look out Avatar".